Bye, bye to old sports officials

Wasn’t it our Press who said that cricket and football were the crowning achievement of Sport TV?  Some may say given the recent performances the other day that there are far too few older people to be seen on sport television.

After all, they said, older people form a huge slice of the TV audience, but all they ever see on the telly is people in the 20-31 age bracket, usually behaving badly, or people who haven’t even grown up yet, by which they presumably mean most cricketers and many footballers. Why can’t we see more old people on TV? Well, cheer up, concerned sports people! I am currently writing a rip-roaring new TV comedy series, which contains nothing, but elderly sport characters all of which squabble and fight all day long like the juniors in the West Indies team and those youngsters on our football team. It’s called TVBrave — Board of Governors and here is an extract to give you some idea of how oldstagers TV can work at its best and entertain...

The scene is a palatial boardroom. The chairman of the Brave Board of Governors is just completing the roll call.
Chairman: Lord Stingy of Olympics fame.
Lord Stingy: Here
Chairman: Token black woman in cricket.
Token Black Woman: Here.
Chairman: Government spy in football.
Spy: Hello, there.
Chairman: And finally, finance person.
Finance Person: Hi!
Governor 1: Finance person? I didn’t know there was one here!
Chairman: He’s not here. There are other Finance persons beside Dancing Brave, you know in sport.
Governor 1: Are there, by jove? I didn’t know that judging from the affairs of some of our leading sports. By the way, did anyone see that documentary the other night on TV?
Governor 2: What was it about?
Governor 1: Well, I’ll tell you what it wasn’t about. It wasn’t about the another 25 years of one man in power!
Governor 2: Ah! So it must have been about sex.
Governor 1: No, it wasn’t! It was about not having sex, because at the age of some of these sports administrators their job is so much more important than sex, they can readily do without that, just to be in power!
Governor 2: Good Lord. I’d like to have seen that!  Who won the elections? As I get older I get more interested in not having sex and I would not like to be in that situation in five years time. What was it all about?
Governor 1: It was about this Christian cricket couple who refused to have sex before their marriage and the batsmen turned out to be the best batsman in the world, and the frightening thing was that he was an Indian. By the way, I have an idea, did anyone see Brian? I would like to tell him a story.
Governor 2: Damned good idea, too. I had sex before my marriage. Always regretted it.
Governor 1: Why?
Governor 2: Because it made us two hours late for the ceremony!
Chairman: Look, we have a long agenda to get through, so could we move to item No 1, please? This is the loss of our cricket supremacy at the regional level...
Token Black Woman: Is someone dead in the Cricket Board?
Chairman: No.
Token Black Woman: Shame.
Governor 2: I’ll second that. All in favour?
Chorus: Aye!
Governor 2: Then I vote we take out a contract on all the current members of the Trinidad and Tobago Cricket Board. Where’s our new team? They know how things like this are done.
Chairman: Hold on! We don’t need to! That’s what I’m trying to say! He’s gone! Lequay has voluntarily left the TTCBC Presidency!!!
Governor 1: Has he taken his sidekicks with him?
Chairman: No, don’t think so. Why should he?
Governor 1: Wasn’t it they who spoke his every word saying Alloy was the crowning achievement of Cricket TV or something like that. Did you not notice his foreword in one of the recent cricket season books of the TTCBC?
Chairman: They may have done. It is the job of cricket smart people to say how much they like their much-hated star performer. Other channels are then tempted to poach them. That’s how we get rid of them, hopefully chess would take him.
Governor 1: Oh, I see.
Lady Governor: Incidentally, how is that new chap who should be in charge of football getting on? I liked the look of him a lot when he came to talk to us. But I thought he was going to come back and tell us how it was all working out.
Chairman: He hasn’t started yet. He can’t start till Jack gives the okay and leaves, and Jack won’t go. Nobody knows how to get him out.
Governor 1: Well, why not tell Dancing Brave to tell everyone how great a true professional is. If that got rid of one in cricket in a way, it can another in football.
Very Old Governor: [Waking up.] Just a moment. Who am I? What am I doing here?
Chairman: We are discussing changes in football and cricket.
VOG: Why? Aren’t we the ones that voted them in as generals in their sports in the past, for every favour we could get granted?
Chairman: Yes.
VOG: And we decided to make savings by locating all our family and friends who were very good at making programmes but not studying, in a foreign country with the money we received from football and cricket?
Chairman: Yes.
VOG: And now we are helping in firing them?
Chairman: Something like that.
VOG: What a very unpleasant dream. I hope I wake up soon. (Goes back to sleep.)
More of this some other time, perhaps.
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