Homosexuality and God’s words

THE EDITOR: This is a true story, which I believe will touch the hearts of many of your readers. My name is John Doe, and I am from a middle class family living in the eastern part of our country. I grew up in a Christian home and went to church regularly from a child. For many years I heard from the pulpit that all homosexuals were sick, morally depraved, and headed for the “lake of fire”, and this hurt me very much; I didn’t know why or how “Christians” could react with such hatred and malice towards people who happened to be different. I struggled with my own realisation that I was gay and that what I was being taught was “biblically correct.” I tried to tell myself at times that the feeling I now have is just a passing “phase” and that I would eventually outgrow it.

Also, I wanted to believe that Jesus really loved me, but I could not accept that, because of what I was being taught. I felt that if Jesus Himself agreed with what the preachers were saying, then surely I was eternally damned for something that I didn’t choose to be. To be honest, if there existed a choice between being gay or straight, I would choose to be straight instantly. I have never really been able to “accept” my homosexuality; I have tried to for over 15 years but it just seems like an unreachable goal to me. I desperately need to know whether Jesus accepts me for who I am. I guess what I am really asking is this: Has Jesus ever revealed to you personally that being a gay Christian is okay as long as you are living your life with integrity? I struggle greatly with this question.

I know that I have spent years begging God to change me and make me feel an attraction to women, but nothing happened. It makes you feel that God just doesn’t have the time for you. And, when you are surrounded by folks (and I do love each and every one of them) that mention gay and lesbian people as being an “abomination” to God; it becomes impossible to feel loved or worse yet, to be able to believe that Jesus cares for you. I mean, when I read in God’s Word where Jesus says, “To love one another even as I have loved you” that seems to mean that Jesus is commanding all of us to love each other without reservation.

One day while trying to explain my problem to my Dad, he looked straight at me and said “John, can’t you see that your mother and I just don’t want you anymore.” It drove the final stake into my heart. My dad is a fine man, a lay minister in our church, but he has to be wrong when he reacts with such hatred and bigotry to his only son who was only trying to share with his parents the truth. I never came out to hurt them. They accused me of bringing “shame” to my family name. They said so many hurtful things that I really resent them. Finally, I felt so pressured and being fearful of losing their love, that I relented and renounced my sexuality and told them that Jesus had finally “delivered” me and that I was now a heterosexual. I did it to save them; it broke my heart seeing them hurting.

I have also been to a therapist, but that it has nor really helped. I still suffer from extreme self-hatred and suicidal feelings. All of my life I have been chronically and acutely depressed over being gay; I don’t want to be gay, but I feel as if there is no way out. Why does God keep allowing me to suffer like this? (I am in tears even now as I write this letter to you. I just don’t know what to do anymore). I need to know whether or not Jesus accepts this part of myself. I have tried seeking Him about this, but I feel as if I am being ignored and this only adds to my frustration and fear that maybe God has deserted me because of my gay feelings. Please help if you can; I honestly do not know where else to turn. I just want to be loved.

I have never felt love from anybody. The sex part of being gay doesn’t matter to me; I yearn for companionship and love. I don’t know how much more pain I can endure. I am very seriously considering just throwing the towel in, committing suicide and just taking my chances before God. Please help, I beg you. My heart has been so broken for so long; doesn’t Jesus care? Doesn’t He know that I am not trying to defy Him or His Word by laying hold upon my sexual identity?”

JOHN DOE
Arouca