Alternative licks in the party

As the crowd near to me parted I realised that I was mere feet away from the source of the agitation, flailing arms the erratic movement of bodies lurching and lunging at each other told me that I was in the midst of the conflict and I prepared to evacuate. Then I noticed what was happening, something I had never seen before in a ‘big fete’ and I watched transfixed, this was no ordinary fight, there were no guns, no knives, no bottles or weapons of any sort, just one man about 5ft five in 160 pounds and he was being beaten mercilessly by two WOMEN! The man threw a punch but lady # 1 ducked under the straight right and released a hook from the left connecting solidly with the side of his head staggering her opponent, his legs — draped around the knees by his baggy pants which were now falling off — buckled under the weight of the punch. Lady # 2 sensing the end was near delivered a stunningly swift kick boxing combination to the midrift and again to her adversary’s head, the police who were standing close by and recognising that the man had received a series of unanswered blows stepped in and waved an end to the fight, one minute and 38 seconds into the first round and MANkind was down for the count. Wild celebrations ensued as the victorious women were cheered and applauded by scantily clad females who had gathered to urge their fighters on, men standing close to the main event slunk off into the savannah night, anxious to avoid any further confrontation with the women who were now in fever pitch and challenging any member of the XY chromosome fraternity to a "dust up." "We doh business and we don’t care we doh cater and we doh fear" — they chanted in unison and they were a truly fearsome sight.

What of the vanquished? You may ask — this champion of men? Carried off ignominiously in the arms of the police to seek treatment for his bruises and wallow in the agony of defeat, left alone to rue the missed opportunity to cement his place in the history of masculinity.

As I departed I considered this man’s dilemma — how to explain to the rest of the men his defeat — was it a lack of preparation, inappropriate clothing that hampered his ability to move, was he outnumbered and outgunned, was it the heat or the noise — all of these seemed inadequate and piffling.

The truth is he was soundly beaten and only he will know what he did or perhaps did not do to deserve that, my advice to this pathetic and sad individual is simple — if asked tell them a speaker box fell on you and in future wear a belt and pants that fit.

Jeremy A Jones

Port-of-Spain