Time to stop the mommy wars

Motherhood, I’ve come to realise, is about constant compromise. Nobody has it all together no matter how they may look. I made a decision to prioritise spending a lot of time with my son, I choose family over career and financial security. I was able (thank God!) to find work I can do when my son is asleep, so there is little disruption to the time and attention I can give him. We’re very hands on since we are financially strapped. There are no designer clothes. In fact we both survive with a very limited wardrobe, no trips abroad and not a lot of store bought toys. Often we have to wait and save to get something and frequently we do without ‘luxuries’. That way I can be a mom that makes wantons from scratch.

It’s either one or the other, I don’t think I have sufficient stamina to hold down a nine to five and be ubermom as well. Trust me, I’m not looking down my nose at other mothers that have to grab a loaf of bread at the shop because I bake my own. This mothering thing isn’t a contest. I am fully aware that even with all the sacrifices I make daily, not everyone has the options I do. Many mothers are caught between a rock and a hard place. As the sole breadwinners for their families they have to slog it out in the working world and still find the time and energy to parent/mother their children.

This has nothing to do with whether a woman is a single mother or not, there are also women my mother calls ‘married single parents’ (if you fall into that category you know exactly what it means).

It doesn’t have to be Stay at home moms vs Working mothers. We are all making sacrifices and doing what we need to do for the sake of our children, we just do it differently. I made use of the time being a stay at home mom to further my education so that when I did choose to return to the working world I’d be better equipped and have more options. Again I am aware that not everyone has these options available. I can tell you it was far from easy but if it was, everyone would do it, right.

Rather than take an oppositional stance I am more than willing to provide support to my working mom friends. While I’m spending quality time with my own child, you can bring your children over to hang out rather than pay some impersonal daycare.

They can join in the crafts and cooking that we do to occupy ourselves too. The other bene_ t, when I’m trying out a new recipe and I make too much, guess who I’m calling to pick up some? Beef pies, coconut turnovers, doubles and cheesecake, you know, the four food groups.

This is not about one version of motherhood looking bad compared to another. We are all sacrificing something to care for our children and we have different priorities. At the end of it, we all love our children and want what is best for them.

How we arrive at that may differ based on our circumstances, but we are all operating from the same motivation. How can one version be better than another? I realised that my friend’s comment probably came from some kind of latent guilt for not being able to doing the kinds of things I get to do with my son.

Guess what? I have a lot of guilt too! Yes, I worry about the message I’m sending my son about having a mother that is at home all the time, and the implications for his understanding of gender roles. I worry that my willingness to trade off money for quality time leaves him without some things and opportunities that can contribute to him being better rounded as a person. Is it really okay to not have structured extracurricular activities? Which brings me right back to my first point, nobody has it all and we all have to compromise.

I try to make the lack of finances a teaching point on fiscal prudence for my son, to make the experience a positive one. I know that I can’t be a stay at home mother forever, so for now I really relish and treasure the time I get to spend with my son. When I do rejoin the working world again in the future, I’m sure I’ll face new and different challenges from the ones I face today and that’s okay. There are pros and cons whichever model of motherhood you follow. You are the one that has to make peace with what you are doing and release the guilt of not being able to do it all. The most anyone can ask of any of us is that we do our best, as long as we are mothering our children from a place of love, we’re doing exactly what we’re supposed to. Don’t expect perfection from me, I’m just doing the best I can. As I tell my son, if I were a perfect mother he’d have nothing to tell his therapist when he’s an adult.

So let’s call a truce to the mommy wars. Mothering is difficult enough, we don’t need to turn it into a competition. Rather, let’s get rid of the guilt and offer each other support so we can all be better mothers and our children can have the best of both worlds.