Marital Controls

Established controls in the marriage protect it from dwelling in dangerous excesses and are a necessary safeguard in times of pressing urgencies and emergencies. Ironically, it is its marital controls that best facilitate “the freedom of the marriage” to achieve its fullest potential.

Our starting focus is the importance of “time controls”. Here the litmus test is the amount of rest, sleep and relaxation the marriage enjoys, especially in the early, child-rearing years, or in the face of enhanced promotional responsibilities, or increasing business or social-activity demands and successes.

The above often determines the quantum of available energy the marriage can access for its on-going commitments and developmental goals.

It is also linked to the essential of limiting the build-up of harmful stress. Though this “time and rest” factor will vary over the years and with aging, prolonged deficiencies in this ingredient, though advantageous in pursuing some immediate or short-term pursuits, will, in the medium to long term, weaken the marriage in functioning efficiently.

Physical and health controls centre around effective exercise, weight and diet management.

This should be coupled with annual or other regular medical check-ups. The key motivational driver is that “prevention is much cheaper than cure or repair” - even with today’s ever-increasing costs of preventative care.

But an area of deepening concern, especially for contemporary marriages, is that of emotional and mental health and controls. The elimination of negative emotional baggage from the past and in the present, must be a high priority of the fusion relationship. Open, “safe-place” discussions, enabling home and car environments filtered from “self-isolating noise” and marital language that consistently edits, builds and does not tear down are indispensable thermostats. Time for mental reflection and meditation is best achieved in vacations far away from normal or high-pressured, daily demands or from unplanned setbacks and must be part of the emotional and mental health fortifications.

Financial controls in a marriage are best implemented within a framework of medium to long-term planning and budgeting. To develop retirement plans at the beginning of a marriage may seem presumptuous but in fact, it is the ideal starting point for establishing proper financial objectives, plans, activities and guidelines.

Unfortunately, this is not a reality for most of our marriages, where these safeguards only appear after serious monetary crisis or loss.

Fortunately, it is never too late to begin by spending affordably and wisely, saving and investing as much as possible within agreed longterm objectives, and remaining debt-free. The latter does not mean having no debts or debt financing, but rather, having our combined incomes meet or exceed our current expenses and debt repayments at all times.

Spiritual controls are perhaps the least understood and observed in our marriages. It involves more than attending religious meetings, occasions and activities - though a vital aspect of the overall grid. Spiritual controls find its truest purpose and benefit when these considerations influence our day-to-day decisions and relationships. The control of “love is patient and kind” must not only apply to our family and friends but also to all we interact with. The “give thanks IN all (not for all) circumstances” acknowledges and worships God for His providential faithfulness and overriding goodwill. What a difference these spiritual controls can make to the improving quality of life and marriage we seek to enjoy! A little-known, biblical saying states “the individual [and by extension the marriage] without self-control is like a city without walls”. It lays them wide-open to so many destructive attacks. This is not true for marriages with practiced, protective, priority (PPP) controls.