Bandit in trouble if I am attacked

The police cannot help me; they often arrive after the event. So I am relying on God and the religious leaders to protect me. I expect when I die the Commissioner of Police and National Security Minister will say “a life lost is one too many.” They might even offer condolences.

However, I am afraid that if the bandit dies while attacking me, it might make the front page, and Mr Police Commissioner will accuse the media of glorifying crime.

While I am praying, I will help myself with my mixed martial arts skills. It may not be effective, but as an old man I am going to die trying.

I am not going to run away and live to fight another day. No siree! I don’t have an illegal firearm, so I am at the mercy of the bandit. But I have a handy two-by-four.

I have devised and perfected a crime plan and ways to fight back.

Instead of pepper spray, I will use pepper sauce — scorpion type. I am already in training using kungfu, karate, and mixed martial arts.

When I land a blow, I’ll bawl out “yah!” I’ll fly in the air like Bruce Lee and make flips like the legendary Silver Fox. All the while I will be thinking about my final hour...or minutes.

When everything fails, I am going under the bed for a concoction of human waste and urine, preferably 14 days old, throwing it on the bandit. The smell alone will kill the bandit, or it will blight him, or her, for life. What a fitting life sentence.

No judges in the High Court and Appeal Court will be needed.

KEITH ANDERSON via email