Abigail’s ministry

“When in an abusive relationship, we think that we can’t leave for numerous reasons. The reason I stayed was for my children, I did not want them to come from a broken home, I wanted to keep my family together,” the 43-year-old tells Sunday Newsday.

“It took me 14 years to come out of the loneliness and depression I was in. I got severe burns from being in the relationship,” she says, recalling one particular incident in 1999 when a violent outburst by her then husband resulted in severe burns to her face, chest and arms.

“I would stay inside a lot of the times, and not socialise because of the many scars on my skin. I always had to have on makeup, until one day I decided, you know what, this is enough. I have to start being comfortable with myself. This is me, this is what happened and I started taking the negative which took place in my life and changing it into a positive for someone else.” Her new aim and focus in life is to help other women deal with and eventually get out of violent relationships.

“Someone would listen to me more because I speak from experience and I can identify with what they are going through. If I could go to one of my motivational seminars and touch one person, then I know for sure I am doing something good. I have been able to help a lot of women get out of abusive relationships,” Wharwood says. She frequently gives speeches at the Princes Town Hospital and at the Seventh Day Adventist Church, San Fernando, where she ends her talks on a tender and emotional note - by removing her makeup, revealing all her scars to the audience.

“It is always moving when I bare myself to the audience. What I convey by removing my makeup is that I accept and love myself. It is never too late for them to do the same and many women would come up to me after and say that they are being abused in their relationships.

I talk to them and then I give them the contacts and addresses for the Domestic Violence Abuse Hotline, The Rape Crisis Society, Victim and Witness support, individual, group and family counselling as well as domestic violence drop in centres.” Married at the age of 23, she moved from Princes Town to Diamond Vale, Diego Martin along with her husband and two children.

“I met my ex-husband at the age of 17, at that time I was more in love with him than I was with myself, that was my mistake. Before we got married I knew he was violent, because there were instances when he would get physical and verbally abusive with me. I thought he would change when we got married, but things only got worse. To the point where it started affecting our children,” as threats had turned into blatant acts of violence.

“We had to get out,” Wharwood recalls emotionally.

So what gave her the courage to leave? “Prayer and faith gave me the strength to leave, as I attended Holy Cross RC Church, Princes Town. It wasn’t making any sense losing my peace of mind and happiness. I went right back home to my family, who were really supportive, financially and emotionally. It was the most depressing time of my life.” But there was also a silver lining - her independent and philanthropic spirits were ignited.

In 2015 she re-opened her Princes Town-based Hair Work’s by Allison, and registered Once is Too Much, a non-profit organisation that aims to help victims of domestic violence and other forms of abuse. The organisation uses motivational speeches, support groups and prayer to help victims deal with and eventually escape their abusive situations. Once is Too Much also tries to educate the community of Princes Town about domestic violence and its signs.

“The long-term goal of Once is Too Much is to open a safe house where victims can come and feel like home. Where we would help in building them so they can become people who are not dependent on their abusers,” Wharwood explains.

Despite her experiences, Wharwood continues to be the family-oriented person she has always been. She plays an active role in her children’s lives. “I am truly blessed to have wonderful children. My daughter, Afiya, 24, makes me so proud and my two sons Justin, 20, has Down Syndrome, and Jayden, nine, are my life. I love them dearly,” she says with tears in her eyes. Justin is also member of the Down Syndrome Family Network.

What advice would she give to someone who is a victim of domestic violence? “I would tell that person to leave, just leave. Do not try to take matters into your own hands, love yourself first and know your worth. Love is not supposed to make you unhappy, and seek God for help. He is the only one who sees what you have been through, pray for the courage to leave and once you leave, do not go back.” Abigail Allison Wharwood can be contacted via: abigailwharwood@ gmail.com and hairworksbyallison@gmail.com