Preferential treatment for wounded bandits

THE EDITOR: Does anyone besides myself find it truly amazing that whenever bandits get shot, they are always “rushed to the hospital” for “emergency treatment” ahead of law-abiding citizens in need of care? Last year while re-connecting my cable line from on top my neighbour’s roof, I slipped on some mossy bricks, tangled myself on the TTEC wires fell into the mucky drain 10 feet below and had to bawl like an old goat for almost three hours to get attention. My father took me to the Arima Hospital and they told me they had no doctors. I should have told them I was thiefing cable, I’m sure they would have found one for me, even if they had to go to Cuba or Nigeria. Then there was the time I saw a man stealing my zabocas and called the police immediately.

The officer answered the phone as if he was sleeping or hard or hearing or both. He said they had no vehicles. I told him if he didn’t hurry, I wouldn’t have any zabocas either. He said the other officer “went to borrow a tape.” I asked if they had any other vehicles. He said “Lethal Weapon 4.” After hanging up, I realised I should have told him that four bags of coke and three barrels of weed just dropped from the sky. I’m sure he would have been at my gate before I could say “blatant racial discrimination.” Talking about “blatant racial discrimination,” I thought I should throw my support behind Selwyn “Chubaka” Cudjoe for his drive to get more education for more blacks between 17 and 24. The way I look at it, at least between 8 am and 3 pm they’ll be in class, and not stealing my zabocas, screwing out my hub-caps or kidnapping my family. And if they get plenty homework, you might be able to wipe crime out altogether since they would be doing algebra instead of scaling my fence at 3 am. In any case, theirs is indeed a case of discrimination that spans more than 40 years that the PNM was in power. Afros discriminating against their own kind, you ask? The only other species this occurs to is the monkey communities on the Discovery Channel. Same species you say. Quite rightly so.

But I also suggest a quota system which allows for equal ethnic representation in the following areas: TV/radio ads, URP, CEPEP, Petrotrin, TSTT, TTEC, WASA and the victims of robberies, rape, murder and kidnappings. Come on guys, show some flavour in your criminal activities. You’ve had enough curry, now try some stew. So I jump in a taxi for a short drop, and the man told me the fare raise by a dollar. I asked him why and he said that cableTV, bread, gas, cigarettes, alcohol, weed, coke, corn beef, mokoto and other prices of other staples products were hiked up and he needs to live. You can’t argue with that. Paying for PNM doltishness ent cheap. Talking about the PNM, I heard Manning says he’s going to “throw some muscle” to persuade the taxi/maxi drivers to run their cars on grapefruit Chubby soda instead of gas. Maybe he’s thinking “enough is enough” and he’ll have them locked up. Or maybe he’ll have a “community leader” planass the taxi drivers into submission so they’ll drive for free, or use beasts of burden to tote the carriages.

Speaking of celebrities, whatever happened to ANR? The grand-daddy of the nation came out with fiery force to impart his moral and spiritual values on us by putting Manning in power. I wonder if his knee hurts when he see Abu Bakr shaking hands with Manning. Anyway, it’s almost dark, and I still have to chain my car to the steel post, hide my slippers, lock up the goats, spray my zabocas with anti-PNM repellant, take down my jockey shorts from the clothes line and crawl under my bed with a cutlass, so I better go. By the way, if I offended anyone with my rants, then treat the disturbing section in question as a typo. I’ll submit an errata sheet at my next news conference when I suggest mandatory hair curler for all public servants, just to gauge public reaction.

ASHRAM BEACHOO
Port-of-Spain