Racing advice: Good, bad and ugly

This column receives what some may think a quite surprising amount of mail. Much of it is, of course, abusive; a high proportion threatening; a certain fraction begging (hah!).

The rest is made up of letters that either offer or seek advice. Naturally, almost all of this provides free ammunition for wastepaper basket-hitting competitions, as well as a rich source of merriment for the many trained staff whose job it is to check whether any of these missives contain ideas which might be worth plagiarising. But even the most cynical among us finds it difficult to remain unmoved by some of the pleas from trusting unfortunates who are clearly near their wits’ end.

It is for this reason — and to show that we really do have a warm-hearted side in this corner of the paper — which we have decided to give over today’s valuable space to answering a few of these cries for help.
The first comes from a Maraval reader:

Dear Bravest One, Here in the West of the Country there aren’t many people to turn to for professional help. You are my big hope. My problem is this: I am very successful in my chosen profession. In fact, recently I finally became, according to official statistics, the best there has ever been. (And didn’t Brian give it a lovely ride?). What do I do now?
GL, Maraval

A: Well, GL, I can fully understand your problem. How, after all, does one find motivation after one has scaled the very highest peaks? Have you thought of changing jobs altogether and taking up a completely different one, just for the challenge? Opera singer, professional table-tennis player and exotic dancer are three that spring to mind. Then again, perhaps you might prefer to relax a little, take the occasional break and simply savour your success. I would refer you to the example of a prominent racehorse trainer who, by coincidence, does not have the same initials and also dwells in what we might term “Zoider Country.”

We spotted this gentleman recently at the Breeders’ Cup in Florida, which he only attended because he had been tricked by his wife into taking his first holiday in 47 years. In spite of the sunshine and the work deprivation he seemed in relatively good spirits. This may have been because he was actually “winding down”, although there have been rumours that he was actually taking the opportunity to conduct a feasibility study with a view to following in the footsteps of a similarly accomplished trainer, the — some would say — “mad genius”
BD of Bushville

Dear Bravest One, Short of using a horsebox, is there anything I can do to get Living in Hope to stay a distance of ground?
HC, Central

A: Dear HC, Have you thought of praying for good ground, and then asking all the jockeys in the race whether they’d be willing to go extremely slowly on the first circuit? Alternatively, why not ask the Santa Rosa Park authorities whether they’d be prepared to run the feature race over 1600 metres just this once? I’m sure they’d give you a very polite hearing.

Dear Brave One, Will you ever give a bookmaker a break?
T Abraham, London

A: Pull yourself together, man. Would any bookmaker you know even give me a Kit-Kat?

Dear Andre Errol, I haven’t backed a winner for a century now. (To be honest, it’s actually more like a millennium). I have long admired your perspicacity in these matters. So I wondered what you would advise me to do to improve this situation.
Master Punter, address withheld

A: Dear Fool, I am astonished by your impertinence in daring to assume the soubriquet of the Wise One, to whom even the shrewdest among us turn deferentially for guidance. Clearly I am unable to offer you any instant formula that will enable you to emulate even the more modest of His triumphs, let alone his astonishing feat of napping the huge-odds straight forecast with Morgan Heritage’s victory on Friday Rugby Lime card in 2003. But I can certainly say that if you failed to back Ballybunion after reading this column before last Stewards Cup racing day, then there is probably very little hope for you in any case.

Dear Andre Errol, I was recently at a race meeting where the management was warned there was a car bomb at the track. They then sent me, and thousands of others, into the car park. Why?
A racegoer, Tunapuna

A: Dear Racegoer, It is not for us to question the wisdom of the authorities. I suggest you should merely feel grateful that the alleged bomb was not located in the course lavatories. Sadly lack of space prevents us from dispensing further advice today. We intend, however, to make further inroads into our bulging mailbag at a later date. For the best in website management and change management go to cornelius-associates.com