The violence of men, women

Rhondall Feeles, president of the Single Father’s Association, recognises that incidences of domestic violence has been on the rise in Trinidad and Tobago.

However, he said it was not only against women, but violence on the whole has increased because people do not know how to deal with emotional issues and conflict.

What is necessary, he continued, is dealing with the problem of physical violence holistically, addressing the root causes, and there would be a significant reduction of domestic and other forms of violence.

Feeles noted that, according to the Domestic Violence Act, domestic violence could be one party to another party in a household. This included spouses, children, dependants, or any other member of the household. Also, domestic violence was not just physical violence but sexual, emotional, psychological, and financial as well.

“You can’t walk into a police station and say, ‘My wife is abusing me emotionally or my wife is extorting me.’ Even though it is an offence in legislation, the police will not do anything.” He also suggested that if a woman walked into a police station and told the officers her husband made her feel worthless, was cheating on her constantly, or always berated her, the police would tell her it was a private matter and they could do nothing about it.

“Both genders suffer and we only hear about it when things get out of control and physical and we put it up on Facebook. These other forms of domestic violence, what we see as of lesser importance, lead to the physical abuse on both sides. Over a period of time dealing with that, one day they could just trip off and execute physical revenge.

“What we need to do, to avoid the physical aspect of it, is to deal with the root of the problem, the emotional aspect, and put avenues in place for people to get assistance, and you would see a big decrease in the physical aspect.” Feeles said Police Crime and Problem Analysis Branch statistics between 2010 to 2015 showed that 56 percent of people murdered in domestic situations were women, while 44 percent were men and boys.

“Yes its clear that women have the higher percentage, but 44 percent is high enough for concern as well. Part of the problem is the way it has been advocated for years. We need to deal with the issues men, women, children and anyone in a home would have,” he said.

Feeles said people see domestic violence as “a man beating a woman,” and so did not consider the other types of abuse as abuse.

Therefore, he said it was difficult to speak to men about it as men who are being abused believe the advocacy was biased and sexist, and men who do not beat women think it had nothing to do with them.

He recalled the case of a man who had hot rice thrown on him by his girlfriend. When he went to the police, they told him to stay away from the house for a while. It was his house and so he had nowhere to sleep that night. Feeles said if a man had done that to a woman, the police would have “kicked down the door” and arrested him.

He added that because for many people domestic violence was only seen as a man hitting a woman, boys have been trained so that they do not even stand up for themselves if, as men, women attack them. They would also get involved in a situation and defend a woman without checking whether or not the woman was the perpetrator.

In addition, Feeles said the State failed to provide justice or relief as the justice system itself could frustrate a person into taking things into their own hands.

He suggested Government provide spaces and professionals in communities dedicated to conflict resolution. He also suggested a centre be established with a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counsellor providing free counselling services so people could depend on the services instead of turning to drugs and alcohol to help them deal with their problems.

Marlon Bascombe, a member of the regional executive of The Caribbean Male Action Network (CariMAN), agreed with Feeles that the reasons behind the increase in physical domestic violence were emotional.

However, Bascombe said it may not be that the figures were increasing, but that the issue was more in the public domain so people were paying more attention to it, and more people were reporting cases of domestic violence.

He admitted that most perpetrators of physical abuse were men but said many societal expectations were placed upon them and some men may not be able to deal with this. In addition, talking about emotions may not be considered manly which may lead to repressed emotions.

Bascombe said from a young age, boys were taught not to cry.

He noted that some men with children want to act as caregivers in the home but society believed they should be making money instead.

“We live in a society where men are expected to be a certain way but there isn’t much in place for them.

Even when a man wants to cry or express some emotion that is not usually considered manly, the ridicule he gets forces him to withdraw into himself. That kind of pent up rage can also lead to aggression.

Those things have an impact but for those who act out, there are no rehabilitation initiatives to be able to reduce their violent impulses,” he said.

Bascombe stressed that he was not making excuses for bad behaviour but as an organisation that works with perpetrators of domestic violence across the region, these were some of the things he heard during counselling sessions where the perpetrators attempt to understand the reasons behind their actions.

He said what was most alarming was that some of the men did not understand what they did was wrong. He recalled speaking to some male students of a co-ed school in Trinidad where some of the boys thought it was okay to hit their girlfriends depending on the circumstances. He said sometimes these boys grew up in a family environment where men feel hitting a woman was the only way to keep their wife, or to express that the woman did or said something they did frowned upon.

“The thinking of some of these men, even from a young age, is so entrenched that they don’t always see these things as wrong. We need to have more programmes focussing on making sure that people know how to engage with each other in the right way - ways that would be positive to society.” Bascombe said even on TV shows and songs that were played in the radio advocated violence.

He gave the example of the 2012 Antiguan soca song Kick Een She Back Door. He said men, women, and children were singing the song, complete with screaming and calls for the police in the background, that implied forcing a woman to perform anal sex.

“We should not really be surprised when violence is what we are getting back. Everything has an influence on our behaviour - whether positive or negative - and we must be aware of it. We need to work on putting more positive images out there,” he said.

He believed Caribbean men should be advocates for gender equality and social justice. He said it was necessary for more projects and programmes focussed on engaging men, with topics such as commitment to healthy and family relationships, self awareness, spiritual awareness, overcoming fears, and more as these programmes could be preventative.