Getting the INTIMACY YOU WANT by not focusing on it

It seems that the more exposed we are to sexual content, the less fulfilled we are personally, with our sex lives and relationships.

Can you relate to any of this? Does any of this sound like you, or someone you know? If so, and if you would like to know how to detox, repair, revive or rebuild a dead or dying sex life? First, you need to stop having sex, that is, if you haven’t already. And yes, you read that right.

Sometimes, when we are so far off course, or deeply trapped in an unhealthy place, the only thing or the best thing to do, is to stop, let go and start from scratch. You need to decide to be disciplined and to be ready to reset your sexual life.

A delay in sexual gratification (ie intercourse), while exploring, learning and becoming curious again about intimacy and/or your partner, will actually intensify your longing for sex and make it even more satisfying when you do start having intercourse again. What I am inviting you to do, is to focus on love or caring, touching and pleasing your partner, so that you eventually get the sex you want. Focus on sensuality, or sexuality. Think of sex as a spiritual experience if you can or at least as an activity that is meant to sustain and renew you and your partner.

So, if you’re not having sex, what will you be doing? Well, this is a good time to explain that when I said no sex, what I really meant was sex without intercourse. Sometimes called “outercourse” (and called “sensate focus therapy” when used in a therapeutic context), the technique includes activities to focus on everything else except penetrative sex. Another key feature to note, is that you must release yourself from the expectation of having an orgasm. Said another way, do not lock yourself down or burden yourself with believing you need to or must achieve or experience an orgasm. With this pressure gone, you can now focus on being and enjoying pleasure of the body and the companionship of your partner and if orgasm happens, great. If not, also great.

The practice of outercourse or sensate focus, is meant to take place over 30 days. During this period, you start with simple touch and kissing, then massage, oral sex and then eventually work your way to penetrative sex. Sessions take at least half an hour, and you will get as much out of it as you put into it. I said this to highlight the fact that this not a quick fix, or magic act. You need to remain focused and committed to applying the principles and doing the work.

At this point, I’m sure you might still be wondering how and why outercourse or sensate focus works.

Well, let me share in a more explicit way, the benefits: Engaging in touch, minus the pressure to perform, reduces performance anxiety (which is particularly helpful for men who deal with erectile dysfunction).

It also relaxes the couple.

You learn to be more in tune with your body’s responses, as well as that of your partner Communication and negotiation around sexual matters becomes easier and more productive You accept your bodies as they are and recognise that they can receive and give pleasure in ways you did not know before You unlearn bad habits or techniques and mentally reframe how you think about sex and sexuality You discover your unique sexual personality or your “love map” (a term coined by Dr John Money), which refers to your individual erotic fantasies, needs and practices.

In addition to the methods mentioned in this article, couples also need to engage in getting to know themselves and each other again, through dating, breathe work, self-evaluation exercises and playing games. If this seems a bit much to do on your own, do seek out the help of a sexual health professional. Healthy sex and relationships is something you can achieve.

Onika Henry is a Tobago-based, trained Sex Educator (M.Ed. Human Sexuality) and a Certified Sex Coach. She designs and implements workshops, training, and psycho-educational counselling, to address sexual health concerns for individuals, couples, religious and secular groups.

Website: www.onikahenry.com_ Email: ohenrybusiness@gmail.com Contact: 381-3049