Clearance sale marks end-season

TO MARK the end of the hope for any success in the sport of cricket and football (primary) and swimming; netball; basketball and rugby (secondary) a recent programme of events celebrating the anniversary of the birth of Sporting Pot-hound’s Flying Circus, a clearance sale is being held to get rid of anything and everything not used in the season. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, as there will not be another successful sports  retrospective season for many a year God willing, or until one of the current members of our sports administrators should God forbid, die, or set off ‘round the world and not come back.

The following selection of choice lots will give some idea of the range of the whole catalogue available.
1. A dead parrot, due to his leaking ways on West Indies Cricket Board subterfuge.
2. Another dead parrot, being the stand-in used for the dead parrot in lot one, in case the main dead parrot should fall to pieces during recording. He was only found out because the Guyanese just can’t keep a secret.
3. A live parrot, which was on standby during the filming of the Dead Parrot sketch, in case both dead parrots should prove unsatisfactory, and another should have to be killed to provide a fresh dead parrot, though luckily this was only necessary once when one of the West Indies players interviewed expressed his dissatisfaction with the late hours kept by Brian Lara in New Zealand.
4. A dead sheep, yet another loyal West Indian fan who cannot sleep at night, and resorts to killing a sheep rather than counting one.
5. Another 500 dead sheep, as more people lose sleep when it is revealed that Trinidad and Tobago cricket has slumped to the same depths as the West Indies team. Particularly after a number of current Test players are seen at several Carnival fetes.
6. A letter in French, addressed to the makers of Caribbean Football, or rather CONCACAF and purporting to be from the genuine Mrs Strike, the widow of a fan during the Strike Squad days, a chap who spent all his hard earnings on supporting and watching the Trinidad and Tobago team perform.
He forsook his family, he forsook his children, eventually he lost his job, and then when he paid for a ticket bought from a normal purchasing location, he was denied entry on November 19, and in frustration, drank gramoxone.
His wife is now claiming damages in the region of $1,000,000 for maliciously causing the death of her husband. The letter says: “I do not mind if you pay me in new or old money — just pay me as soon as possible.” Maybe she was referring to the plans to make larger sums in the upcoming World Cup campaigns.
7. A letter from the makers of Caribbean Football to Mme Strike admitting the malicious intent, but claiming that they had already had letters from five other widows of Mr Strike, and refusing to pay out to anymore. It could be coincidence that so many similar cases still exist in Trinidad and Tobago. Let the football authorities be forewarned.
8. A missing Football Federation sketch, thought to have been lost but recently found in a foreign TV archive. It seems to tell the story of a branch of Alcoholics Anonymous and their abortive attempt to invade regional football in the 21st century, starting with Guyana, but as it is dubbed in muffled Guyanese and the original English script has been lost, this is uncertain.
What is certain is that the Guyana Football authorities have involved some top lawyers to fight the regional football authorities. So CONCACAF will have to find their Court clothes and attorney fees shortly.
9. A device for exploding sheep, so that when Trinidad and Tobago fail again after being misled, there is not a revolt against Cowboy Hat and his merry men.
10. More than 5,000 TV interviews from round the world with members of the regional cricket boards’ Flying Circus, in all of which the guest Rouse is asked: “And where exactly did the name Mighty Rouse’s Flying Circus come from?” Fans will be interested to know that more than 458 completely different theories are advanced in the course of these interviews. In three of them (for Barbadian, Jamaican and Vincentian television) the interviewer is even assaulted by the Rouse, shouting: “Jesus Christ, if I hear that stupid question again...!”
Interestingly, at least 20 of the interviewers ask whether the ex Rouse-clique will ever team up with the new boy again Stephen Camacho and do some more shows for television. At least three ex Rouse-sarians promise to arrange it.
11. A letter from the actress Sharon “Revealing all” Stone, asking if she too could be included in a West Indies Cricket Board reunion, on the basis that one more “stone” would not make a difference to so much concrete brains. It does not seem to have been answered.
12. A proposal from a publisher to do the Football Advisor’s Spam Cookbook, revealing some of the best cook-ups to ever be found, whether you are in the office or by the river. It also does not seem to have been answered.
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