The Brian Lara interview at last

Almost everyone dreams of listening to West Indies captain Brian Lara truly express his feelings on the West Indies team and on the criticisms he has received in the past and still does today. Although given the rubbish that is constantly written on Lara’s spoken word, it may be easier to write a book on poetry than to interview the celebrated batting champion. We will however attempt the real interview that never was. Of course a lot of this may be only the writer’s imagination.

Interviewer:  So you have done better than most expected in the Australian series (over 400 runs), do you feel pleased with your performances or were you expecting much more?
Brian Lara: I don’t know about that, I am and always was the best batsman in the world, despite what those ratings from accountants stated. Whom do you believe people would pay more to see? Me or Steve Waugh or Tendulkar?
Interviewer: If you ask me, none of you, but instead Lucy Lawless in a catfight with Sharon Stone.
Brian Lara: Australia is not as tough as people make them out to be. They are on their way down now, and in a few years will be at the bottom of the rack. Then we will see how tough their errant commentators speak.
Interviewer: What was the highlight of the series for you?
Brian Lara: Watching the Australians squirm with concern when we were on the go in the Fifth Test is the logical answer, but me scoring a century in front of my home fans was the best.
Interviewer: About the collapse in your home country, in front of your home crowd after Sarwan fell on day five, is there any way to prevent this similar situation in the future?
Brian Lara:  Yes, we need to have more belief in our batting and some better umpiring as well, with proper use of the third umpire. But I would not expect to read this in our tame local media, who only look to degrade the players, like you for instance.
Interviewer: This is not about reporters, is it?
Brian Lara: No, I am just digressing, because look how Tony begged me for an interview and how Michael and Colin are now treating me like their best friends. Oh, how fickle we are in the Caribbean, now I am the captain everybody loves me, except you though. What is your problem?
Interviewer: Your world record is now history, are you sad?
Brian Lara: You Promise not to ask stupid questions. Yes I am sad, it could have gone on longer than nine years, and it hurts, it really hurts and I feel for all the people in the Caribbean. I want it back.
Interviewer: Your batting form has returned, any reason for this?
Brian Lara: The fact is that, I have been practising a lot more, and paying more attention to getting my stronger eye in, while the bowlers are on top and ....
Interviewer: Brian, Brian.....the people really want the truth, not what sounds good, if you please.
Brian Lara: Okay, they really put pressure on me, I believe the captaincy was mine for good at one time, but don’t tell them this. But I had some sleepless nights, alone that is of course. Now I have a second chance, I am not taking anything for granted.
Interviewer: Brian, so long as the team plays well, then you will remain a player, unfortunately soon you will have to make some tough decisions with some friends on the team.
Brian Lara: Yes, I know that .....is in trouble, because of his inconsistency, but I have been talking to him about how I cannot protect his back anymore.
Interviewer: What is it that makes Shaun Pollock such a dangerous bowler?
Brian Lara: He never gives up, but maybe he takes it too personal and certainly there was no need to be as angry as he has been in the past, remember he lost the captaincy, so he must be hurting, so I forgive him with my mouth, but with my bat I will not be forgiving in South Africa.
Interviewer: You were seen looking to the heavens in a lot of your batting, is there some turnaround in your faith?
Brian Lara: I have always been a religious person, but when everyone is against you, there is always God at your side, and with prayers even the worse situation can turn good.
Interviewer: Is it true that you are thinking of settling down soon?
Brian Lara: I have always been thinking of that, but as you get older, one appreciates the need to have a family more.
Interviewer: The International press have said a lot of poor things about you and your demeanour, will you please respond?
Brian Lara: Do I have to? Because apart from the other idiots in some of these countries like England and Australia, nobody respects the Aussie press, because they are always looking for ‘comess,’ do they have names other than dumb, uninformed and overexposed to describe themselves.
Interviewer: Who would you like to be vice-captain?
Brian Lara: There is only one choice, Sarwan is young and willing.
Interviewer: Can the West Indies win the series against Zimbabwe and avenge the 5-0 loss to South Africa?
Brian Lara: If we play as a team, we can beat anybody.
Interviewer : That is balderdash and pure, unadulaterated wishful thinking Brian, be real.
Brian Lara : We will see. I know you have predicted correctly for over two years, but this is one bet you are going to get wrong.
Interviewer: We have a bet then Brian on your views?
Brian Lara : Yes, I will bet you a box of fried chicken, a three-piece, okay?
Interviewer: What do you really think about The Trinidad and Tobago Cricket Board of Control?
Brian Lara: No comment.
Interviewer: When your career in cricket is over, what will you do?
Brian Lara: I will play golf for Trinidad and Tobago and also write a book, sail the world, own the winner of the Trinidad Derby and eventually become President of West Indies cricket for life.
Interviewer: I know that the bell has rung at the nearest watering hole, but could you say in a few words whether you believe that Shane Warne should retire from Test cricket and if Hendy Bryan is an American living in Barbados?
Brian Lara: Warne should play much more at least until the next West Indies visit for everyone likes him now. As to Hendy, leave the man accent alone, I know he has spent his holidays in the United States, and don’t forget Bajans watch a lot of American cable.
Interviewer: Why are you so hard to interview? Is it your character or are you always so arrogant and outrageous?
Brian Lara: This was an interview?

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