Secret letter from the Windies Board

OVER the next few days, I am expecting an approach from a consortium of leading sports  officials. Their tone will be respectful and the language of their supplication measured and carefully thought out; their offer generous.

Their letter will be conciliatory as befits condemned men pleading for mercy:
Dear Sir,
Over the years, we have witnessed a lot of changing of fortunes in the world arena, but we have decided to stick to our tried and trusted way. We have strictly, at all times, adhered to our policy of the late 70s and early 80s, which produced unprecedented success. Where we have made exceptions in the recent past, it has been clear to the new captain about the foolhardiness of such exercises, and he has ensured that these temporary experiments will cease.  He has also stated that he will work with us as long as we work with him. So one or two friends is a good compromise. While we would be the last to say that it has gone great at the moment, the increasing public utopia over our recent victories urges us to make the public cautious. It also obliges us to at least take a cursory glance at the happenings on the field of play. With that in mind, we are asking for your co-operation in only reporting the facts, as we are able to leak them to you. We will look at the fielding department: Some of our guys though, are sort of long in the tooth. But, in every business there are pension hospitalities, and we are inclined to treat our professionals in like fashion.

The upcoming tour of South Africa will be extremely beneficial financially, and it would be a magnificent “golden handshake” gesture, so please ask your many readers to bear with us.
The purpose of this letter or indeed submission is to come to an arrangement to suit all parties and interests. It is clear that other sports no longer pose any intellectual challenge to a genius of such towering dimensions as your astonishingly good self. Furthermore, it has come to our attention that in the tradition of all investigative journalists, you are threatening to share with the public your unerring insight into the major problems in our sport of cricket. We have taken the following decisions, only some of which you can publish; the rest, we will allow you to hint in a few weeks. You will note the “publish” and the “not publish” notations. We, and for the sake of confidentiality, will not be calling ourselves the WICB, should anyone attain a copy of our measures.

A: We will ask the current captain Brian Lara to publicly support all members of the West Indies Cricket Board and again thank them for their support and their great initiatives, without which regional cricket would not be where it is now (not publish)

B: If he disagrees, as captain (now this one may shock you) we will recall Roger Harper and make him the new coach. He was always our first choice, but when he stopped being able to bowl any sort of spin and lost his action, it was even harder for us to carry him on tour as a captain in waiting much less as a coach. But he has a way that could frustrate Lara into quitting. (not publish)

C: Now we know that Trinidadians would be annoyed and call for boycotts and the removal of management, but their representation is now like a mouse among men as they continue receiving our support until the new cricket league comes together under Derek. But, as in Trinidad and Tobago, this will blow over in time and people will return to their parties and fetes. (not publish).

D: We need your support in recalling Courtney Browne to the senior team.Your guy Dinesh Ramdin is really the best youngster, we wanted him, but negotiations were tight with the authorities in Antigua over our office and so we had to concede. Browne has close relations with some of our members and then Carlton Baugh is a Jamaican and a lot of money has been invested by Jamaicans in cricket. (not publish).

E: We will ask Ridley Jacobs to stay on until the England tour next year, but no more. If we have to we will let Ridley catch the influenza for the remainder of 2004... (not publish). We have already engaged one of the selectors to visit David Williams in Trinidad, and, over a hearty meal, discuss a means of introducing him back into the West Indies arena, maybe as a wicket-keeping coach under his close friend Gus Logie. After all, we all know he was the best gloveman in his time. (publish).

G: As to spin bowlers, we will use Lance Gibbs’ advice from now on instead of Intikab Alam, as he is home-bred (please publish). But between us, as we are now good friends, the fact is that Alam is far too expensive coming from Pakistan and Gibbs is right there in Miami. A couple of us will be spending our Christmas in the United States, so we will make it a priority to visit with him. (not publish).

H: We will also state that we are planning, as in Pakistan, to investigate some more of our West Indian players given the bribery charges there and the fact that our performances of late are too inconsistent to believe. (please publish). Of course the fact that someone bets on a match, and who happens to be a close family member of a Test player should not cause too many stirs. In the Caribbean everybody has some pumpkin vine relative. All of us here like horseracing a lot as well (not publish).  

I: We have not yet got the advantages sought from our new headquarters in Antigua, but we will be having a meeting to discuss matters with the head man in the island soon, and we will touch on Andy Roberts and Joel Garner. They both like to open their mouths when they should not. (not publish)

J: We have already spoken to Tony Cozier and Michael Holding expressing thanks for their input over the years in selectors’ decisions, but due to changing circumstances their services are no longer needed. We will also, on the same subject, politely tell Mr Colin Croft, thank you but no thanks to his proposal for input in the team. (not publish).

K: Please stop disclosing our plans about the team. For instance we both know that this tour of South Africa is Mervyn Dillon’s swansong. He won’t get many wickets as will most of the other fast bowlers. But as Jerome Taylor is younger we can still use him in 2004 instead of the party pooper Franklyn Rose.
In related matters, it is obvious that on these slow pitches Wavell Hinds will make runs and we will recall him instead of Chris Gayle who will fail as expected in South Africa. Then and only then the Jamaicans will give us a chance. (not publish). Please go to cornelis-associates.com for the best in website management and change management.