Impossible resolutions

Despite what they may tell the newspapers, none of Trinidad and Tobago’s prominent citizens has made any New Year’s resolutions. This is because, being prominent, they are of course perfection personified. The very fact that they have both large incomes and high status is irrefutable proof of their wonderfulness. But might I very humbly suggest — picture me here with bended knee and bowed head, like a courtier before a king — that although all our exemplars are marvellous people, there may still be a teensy-weensy bit of very slight room for improvement. And might I even more humbly offer — picture me here with arms outstretched and my head knocking on the floor, like a Muslim worshipping at Mecca — a bit of advice to our various leaders on how they might achieve an even more resplendent  splendour. And, finally, may I very humbly beseech — picture me here curled up on my back with tongue hanging out, like a Cabinet Minister — all these powerful persons not to take these suggestions as suggesting in any way that they are less than absolutely incredible human beings, as is shown by how often the average citizen says of them: “You could believe these people?”

Presidential resolutions: For the New Year, I hereby resolve to talk less about God’s supposed favours and more about science’s undoubted benefits. I must remember that this society already has too much superstition and not enough rationalism, and that I must not contribute to the former. I will remind myself every day that I am a chemist, not a theologian: I know about methyl salicylate, not about resurrection, and that the former helps relieve the soreness caused by too much wining. Prime Ministerial resolutions: For the New Year, I resolve to tell fewer lies, whether I am abroad or at home. I will not say I had meetings with community leaders when I am really meeting with gang leaders. I will not downplay the seriousness of the crime situation, either by talking about collateral damage, drug dealers, or liming in Tobago. I will not tell people that the boy working better than ever.

Political resolutions: For the New Year, I resolve not to doze on Friday afternoons, especially during my own contributions. I also resolve to speak from notes instead of written speeches, so I can at least look like I know what I’m talking about. And I resolve to go to my constituency office at least once a month or, failing that, before 2005. Religious resolutions: For the New Year, I resolve to be truly moral and not just repeat words from old books to make people think that I am. For every issue, I shall apply the two basic rules of moral logic: one, does a course of action make people better off; and, two, would I wish to be treated this way? I shall promote humane and ethical conduct, even if such conduct contradicts the words in my old book. And, if that doesn’t work, I resolve to condemn everyone who doesn’t obey me to Hellfire! Medical resolutions: For the New Year, I resolve to read local newspapers so that I will actually know what is happening in my own country and what the general public really thinks about me and my colleagues. I also resolve to not complain about the UN doctors and, instead of being terrified that they will show patients how incompetent and uncaring local doctors really are, strive to match their standards of professionalism. And, as the first step in achieving this, I resolve to clip my moustache so it no longer resembles a large dead caterpillar.

Judicial resolutions: For the New Year, I resolve not to be beyond reproach just because I wear a long black gown and sit on a high chair, but to actually demonstrate through the Integrity Act that I really am irreproachable. I also resolve not to worry about the cost and workload caused by the Privy Council making the mandatory death sentence illegal: when a person’s life is at stake, my budget and golfing should not be a priority. Business resolutions: For the New Year, I resolve to stop thinking that because I am good at making money, it means that I am good at everything else. I also resolve to stop wasting money on ads that have not a hope in hell of reducing crime, or to assume that hanging poor people will prevent murders. And I resolve to stop believing that the best qualification in any field is to be foreign and, preferably, white. Journalistic resolutions: If I am an editor, I resolve not to take a job with a political party or, if I do, not claim that I am still a journalist rather than a PR hack. If I am a reporter, I resolve to check my sources, a dictionary, and to shave more often. If I am a columnist, I resolve to read widely, use logical arguments, and not believe that using dialect or obscure words makes me a writer. If I am a radio talkshow host, I resolve to learn that “equipments” is not a plural, that “Parliament” has no “ee” sound, and to accept that people will always find that I sound better than I look.

Racial resolutions: For the New Year, I hereby resolve to stop making racial statements in order to become Prime Minister one day. If I cannot follow this resolution, I resolve to stop pretending that I’m being intellectual instead of racial when I make racial statements, so I won’t claim that I was equally critical of African teachers as well as Indian ones, when the fact is that I suggested that the former was merely irresponsible but that the latter were bigoted. Finally, I also resolve to stop smiling and frightening small children. Soca resolutions: For the New Year, I resolve that if I’m going to perform oral sex on stage with a dancer, and if I continue to have children out of wedlock with two or three different women, I will stop saying that I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Website (now updated): www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh