YOU SEE ME LAUGHING?

I know terrorism is no laughing matter, but the latest US offensive in its Holy War on terror — the fingerprinting and photographing of principally non-white visitors at its ports of entry — is so absurd, it is risible. Bush’s plan, if one can describe the American President’s new measure as such, will undoubtedly achieve many objectives, except its declared intent: reducing and/or stopping possible terrorist attacks. What his proposal will definitely do is, cost the US taxpayer a fortune, unquestionably stir up further anti-American sentiment and certainly turn away any and all sensible travellers. What his scheme will never, ever accomplish however, is to deter the determined terrorist. Here’s why. Picture this. A terrorist, presumably an Arab, at least a Muslim, flies into the States for the first time from the non-Christian side of this New Millennium Berlin Wall. He or she lands and is fingerprinted and photographed by US Immigration. The information is stored in the American Christian computer and the Muslim terrorist exits the airport after passing through the Customs green line, having not purchased any alcohol. The terrorist then makes contact with his or her fellow men and women of destruction and sets out to bomb some US Government building. Does the American President really believe that this walking bomb, this lethal human weapon is planning on returning to the airport to face US Immigration a second time?

If Bush is of such naivet? then he needs to remember 9/11. The Saudi pilots who bombed the World Trade Centre and the Pentagon skipped their flight lesson on how to land a plane. They perfected only departure and crashing an aircraft into a tall tower or a big military building. They entered the States at a normal airport, but never planned on departing via the same route because they had already decided to exit the USA in a most unique manner: on a one way fiery ticket to Allah paradise. These Saudi pilots — and those that land after — were not making joke because this Holy War was no laughing matter for them. Think of all the terrorist bombings—all have been suicidal. The latest bloody attack in the Gaza came from a young mother, who blew herself up so she could take some Israelis out of this world. She was a willing martyr for the Palestinian cause. The abhorrence of Israel (and of the US) is so great that the Hamas and others of their murderous ilk can recruit anyone. Not even the woman’s husband is said to have known of her fatal plan, so only Bush can say how a photograph and a fingerprint can stop such deadly intent. George W Bush can launch all the assaults on terror he likes. His non white database of photos and prints will not discourage the resolute bomber because Bush cannot, not for one moment, make the slightest dent in the other side’s hatred of the US. America’s non-ending support of Israel, among other things, already made it a prime target in Arab sights. Bush Junior’s “Iraq 2003, the Saddam Sequel,” has only further angered the “enemy.” The men and women on the other side of this Holy War are willing and ready to die in the trenches. Does the American leader think they are worried about being fingerprinted and photographed on entry to the US?

If this costly archival nonsense proves at all useful, it will only be helpful after the fact and this if by some miracle, an index finger or face survive the bombing intact, so these can be compared with the prints and photo on the computer. As the saying goes in Uncle Sam land, give me a break. What daft plan will Big Brother Bush next draft? Asking visitors if they have any bombs to declare at Customs? The fingerprinting and photography measures are really though, no laughing matter. This Trini is one person who will not be humiliated at any Yankee airport, who will not be treated like any criminal in the US of A. They can keep their Disneyworld, their Big Apple. I’m putting my name down on the “no fly” list. At any rate, I was thinking of sticking to terra firma for good, because of yet another Bush anti-terrorism proposal: airborne Texan saloons, that is, planes carrying armed air marshals. Already terrified of flying — planes sometimes fall to the ground — I can now see the chances of mid air disasters increasing exponentially. One human error and we all dead. As the protesting British pilots have explained, pressurised cabins and bullets just don’t mix. They are like oil and water. Or rather, match and gunpowder.

An air marshal “goes postal” — an American idiom for becoming stressed out at work to the point of losing it completely, derived from deranged American postal workers who shot their co-workers before turning the gun on themselves — and we all dead. Slang dictionaries may have to add a new term to their list: “going marshal.” Thousands of flights a day and you don’t have to be a statistician to estimate the probability of gun accidents and thus the likelihood of more crashes. We all dead. All a so called terrorist now has to shout is “Boo!” and the next thing you know is that some trigger happy marshal is shooting up the plane. And we all dead. BWEE, which used to have a good safety record, might soon have a stain on its clean sheet. Some stupid Trini will bawl out, “Look a terrorist” and we all dead. Or the Trini air marshal will have heard his wife is horning him and we all dead. The term “air rage”— an airline passenger’s physical or verbal assault of crew members or other passengers — will have a whole new meaning. We still all dead.

Life, as defined by America, is becoming no longer that. The US says no smoking on planes, no one smokes. It orders us to put air marshals on board, and we have cowboys on our aircraft. Imagine. Smoking has been banned on airplanes, but loaded guns will now be permitted. Which really poses a greater danger to the passengers’ health? And for what? As a once frequent flyer, I can attest to having encountered very few terrorists on my flights, indeed none at all. Bad landings and roller coaster turbulence there were aplenty, yes.  But not a single armed fanatic of any kind. However, to hear Bush tell it, I’m a member of a fortunate in-flight minority. So you see me, if ever I take to the skies again, I’ll be asking for a smoking, non — air marshal, bullet proof plane, if there are any of these left. I don’t have a desire to exit this world in an aircraft that is plummeting to the earth because some fool had a rough night or is having a bad day. You think I’m joking? I’m not. Just like terrorism, the combination of bullets and pressurised air cabins is no laughing matter.

Suzanne Mills is the Editor of Newsday.