A case of manningytis

For A long time now I have been thinking about approaching Prime Minister Patrick Manning for an interview. But I figured it would be politic to wait for a month in which Mr Manning did not say or do some dotishness that, as a responsible journalist, I would have to take him to task for. Unfortunately, thus far there has been no such month in the calendar year. Then, just as I had decided to go ahead and request the interview anyway, Mr Manning developed laryngitis. True, his affliction appears to come and go conveniently, much like Basdeo Panday’s desire for constitutional reform. But I didn’t want to set up an interview and have Mr Manning unable to answer my queries because of an infected larynx.

At first I thought I would have to find another subject to interview. I thought of Dr Kumar Mahabir, an anthropologist who recently compiled a report on crimes against Indo-Trinidadians. I wanted to ask Mahabir if he believed such crimes to be racially motivated even though more Afro-Trinis were victims of violent crime, and also whether he had once said he would do research to prove that dougla children are more badly behaved than non-douglas. But I figured that, if Mahabir didn’t have laryngitis, he might quickly develop it. I also thought of interviewing AIDS clinician Dr Courtenay Bartholomew, who recently published a book about the last 20 hours of Jesus’s life. I wanted to ask Bartholomew if he considered his book fiction or fact, given that there is no scientific way of knowing what Jesus experienced or, indeed, the precise events leading up to his crucifixion. And if Bartholomew said his book was fact, I would then want to know if his statements that pornography and promoting condom use helped spread HIV were also fact. But Bartholomew already has a rather raspy voice, and I didn’t want to risk making him entirely dumb.

So I came back to my original plan, but what I decided to do was to write down my questions and e-mail them. In this way, Mr Manning would not have to strain his voice; and I could only hope that he would not suddenly develop carpal-tunnel syndrome. Unfortunately, after I had prepared my list I realised that, since TSTT has been unable to fix my phone line for the past 13 weeks, I could not e-mail without leaving home that day. And the Sci-Fi Channel was showing an entire afternoon of classic Star Trek, including the episode where Spock returns to Vulcan to get married. But, intrepid journalist that I am, I soon figured out how to surmount this obstacle: I simply made up Mr Manning’s answers. After all, I already had a pretty good idea what they would be.

Q. How are you feeling?
 A. I am very well, thank you.

Q. How is your heart?
A. In excellent condition.

Q. As excellent as the new Audi?
A. Cough! Yes.

Q. Where is Larry Achong going politically now that he has resigned as Labour Minister?
A. Cough cough. Sorry, I’m…coughin’!

Q. What is the secret of your chubby cheeks?
A. I eat lots of butter.

Q. You have described yourself as a born-again Christian. How does this affect your politics?
A. Cough cough! Excuse me, I’m rather…coughy!

Q. What was the last book you read?
A. The Bible.

Q. What was the last book you read apart from the Bible?
A. Cough cough!

Q. Do you prefer coffee or tea?
A. I like coffee but sometimes prefer tea.

Q. At the recent anniversary celebration of the PNM, you attacked the media quite vehemently. What do think of T&T journalists?
A. Hack hack!

Q. Have you been able to use the media to your own advantage?
A. Sorry, still coughy! Hack!

Q. What’s your favourite colour?
A. Purple and gold.

Q. One of your main initiatives is CEPEP, which is supposed to create entrepreneurs. What is your definition of an entrepreneur?
A. Ptooey, hack!

Q. Did party hacks encourage you to interfere in the Unit Trust Corporation?
A. Cough cough!
Q. How come the court found bias in your refusal to give a radio licence to the Maha Sabha?
A. Cough cough cough!

Q. Do you sleep better in Parliament or in the Prime Minister’s residence?
A. This Prime Minister never sleeps. I merely rest my eyes sometimes.

Q. You have described your administration as one of “the highest integrity”. How does this square with giving your wife a job as Education Minister?
A. Cough cough!

Q. Were you practising integrity when you accepted a free plane ride from energy companies?
A. Cough cough cough!

Q. Is calling police stations an official government policy?
A. No.

Q. Is calling police stations an unofficial government policy?
A. Cough!

Q. Who is your favourite calypsonian?
A. Sugar Aloes or Cro Cro.

Q. Who’s your favourite chutney singer?
A. Cough!

Q. How come you recently introduced legislation which will effectively prevent doctors from forming a trade union?
A. Cough cough!

Q. One of your first acts after returning to office was to promise land to the Jamaat-al-Muslimeen. Why did you do this?
A. Cough cough!

Q. Why did you later change your mind?
A. Cough cough cough!

Q. You also had secret meetings with known criminals whom you described as “community leaders”. What is your definition of a “community leader”?
A. Ptooey! Coughin’!

Q. Did you intervene to stop an illegally erected mosque being demolished?
A. Cough cough!

Q. If the PNM is a caring government, how come you did not intervene to stop the demolition of the shacks of poor women with infants?
A. Cough cough cough!

Q. What’s your favourite TV show?
A. InfoVision.

Q. What’s your favourite TV show when the PNM is not in office?
A. Bugs and Daffy.

Q. Do you favour the death penalty?
A. I always listen to what the citizens of my country have to say.

Q. Do you still want to move into the Red House?
A. Yes.

Q. Do you still want a private jet?
A. Yes.

Q. Is the boy still working better than ever?
A. Cough cough!

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
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