The Kevin Awards

In the unlikely event I am ever offered a National Award, I would have to refuse it. It’s not only that the highest award is the Trinity Cross and I am an atheist, but also that I would not be able to shake a Prime Minister’s hand without also shaking my head in despair. Nor do I have much hope of getting an award from GOPIO, inasmuch as I am not Indian enough to fit their criteria. Although my surname is Baldeosingh, I am reliably informed (by Ellis M. Reliably of Spanner Toe Trace) that GOPIO’s constitution states, “No person displaying traits of racial tolerance, moderate drinking or naturally curly hair shall be eligible for Indian National Awards.”

So, given this situation, I have decided to institute my own national awards system. After all, I don’t see what gives Devant Parsuram Maharaj any more authority than me to do so. All I have to do is get about 10 people, affiliate myself to some foreign organisation, and political commentators like Kirk Meighoo will say that I represent a constituency. Here, then, is my list for the first ever Kevin National Awards.

The Macconia Medal (Silver).
For loyal self-service
in Trinidad and Tobago.

Selwyn Cudjoe, President of NEAP. In the sphere of Racial Demagoguery. Lacking in charisma, intellectual probity or clean toenails, Professor Cudjoe has proven to be adept at playing the race card in order to keep himself in the public eye. He has organised illegal marches and avoided arrest, been appointed to the Central Bank Board with no qualifications, and chilled drinks with his smile instead of ice cubes.

Leela Ramdeen. Catholic activist/lawyer. In the sphere of Hysterical Argument. Ms. Ramdeen’s habit of shouting down other people during discussions on the legalisation of abortion reveals her unparalleled ability to put irrational beliefs in front of logic, evidence, and empathy. She has also expressed admiration for Prime Minister Patrick Manning and Pastor Terrence Browne for their opposition to legalising abortion, even though both of them support the death penalty. This proves that Ms. Ramdeen does not understand matters of principle, which makes her well-qualified to head the Catholic Commission for Social Justice, which helps stymie social justice for poor women.

Clive Dottin. Pastor. In the sphere of Religious Babble. Standing on every convenient crime platform, from drug trafficking to kidnapping, Pastor Dottin is pre-eminent in making emotive recommendations in prose so purple that he must fill his pen with grape juice. One of the nation’s most popular pulpiteers, he has four solutions for all the country’s problems: prayer, beating children, hanging criminals, and more prayer.

The Macconia Medal (Gold).

Robin Montano. Opposition Senator/lawyer. In the field of Obnoxious Conduct. With his prissy manner of speech and I-smell-rotten-eggs expression, Mr. Montano views himself as a strong-willed, no-nonsense individual: an opinion which gets wide support from virtually nobody. Mr. Montano does not have to open his mouth to appear bumptious but, every time he does so, lingering doubts are rapidly removed. What he lacks in charm, he makes up in boorishness.

The Pubic Service Medal (Silver)
For Upstanding Service
in Trinidad and Tobago

Jaye-Q Baptiste. Columnist/liberal feminist. In the sphere of Obscene Language. Combining bad prose with bad ideas, Ms. Baptiste has told the public all about her pubic concerns. She has written many novels, but has not been able to get any published because she has two letters instead of a first name. After extensive research and long hours of crying, she has discovered that every social ill could be cured if all men learned to give women orgasms.

Pubic Service Medal (Gold)

Machel Montano. Entertainer. In the sphere of Jock Waist. Mr. Montano is a leading role model for young Afro-Trinidadians, and has in fact rolled with quite a few models. After wining on stage and simulating oral sex with his dancers, he always gives thanks to his Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. In an official press release from Mr. Montano’s agent, Jesus is reported to have said, “You’re welcome.”

The Humming Nerd Medal (Silver)
For long and meretricious
service in Trinidad and Tobago.

Marion O’ Callaghan. Anthropologist/columnist. In the field of Roman Catholic Apologetics. With her woebegone prose style and predilection to misrepresent other people’s views, Mrs. O’ Callaghan poses as an intellectual while skewing history, theology, science and anthropology to make her Church look good. Her attempts to draw lessons for Trinidad from Ireland makes her pencil break.

Courtney Bartholomew. Doctor. In the sphere of HIV Propaganda. Professor Bartholomew is this country’s leading AIDS researcher, which may help explain why we are losing the battle. Despite knowing all the technical facts about HIV, Bartholomew, a staunch Catholic, persists in blaming pornography and condom promotion for HIV-transmission. He also believes in Virgin Mary visions and, if this is his typical standard of proof, the real miracle is that he hasn’t yet claimed to have found a cure for AIDS.

The Humming Nerd Medal (Gold)

Stephan Gift. Engineer. In the sphere of Pseudo-science. Dr. Gift is so gifted that he can make pronouncements in biology and theoretical physics and geology and linguistics. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, for he has a doctorate. He has been hailed by bpTT as a leading scientific thinker, which makes you wonder if those scientists who just follow even know how to tie their shoelaces.

The Trinity Boss (Iron)
For Extinguished Service
in Trinidad and Tobago

Abu Bakr. Islamic fundamentalist. In the sphere of Leading by Terror. Imam Bakr is best known for leading the attempted coup of 1990. What is not generally known is that the coup was a complete success and the Imam now runs the nation of Trinidad and Tobago, which is one reason for the high murder rate. No Prime Minister dares collect the monies Bakr owes, the Government has to give he and his followers State contracts, and religious leaders like Canon Knolly Clarke happily take part in his conferences. Despite sounding like he wears testicle clamps, Imam Bakr has four wives and a Viagra-import business.

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
Website: www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh