Fight Night

Now that MPs Keith Rowley and Chandresh Sharma are to appear before Parliament’s Privileges Committee, people have been wondering which of our leading citizens will fight each other next and, more importantly, who will win. Unfortunately for the betting public, bookies don’t generally keep a close eye on the martial skills of our prominent personalities. I, however, attend Parliament every week and, as a journalist, also pay close attention to our various leaders in other spheres. So, in order to help people calculate the odds, I have constructed the following fight cards: Kamla vs Hazel — Mrs Persad-Bissessar outdoes Mrs Manning in intellect, personality and make-up. Hazel will therefore be at a disadvantage unless she fights Kamla in the same way she runs the Education Ministry: by getting Patrick to hire Laila Ali to substitute for her. If the Boxing Commission doesn’t allow this, Hazel might still have a fighting chance if she asks for the bout to take place in a kitchen and puts out the cooking sherry. 3-5.

Colm vs Roodal — With his rotund figure, Moonilal may not be able to move fast enough to hit Imbert and, even if he could, he wouldn’t be able to smack the grin off Colm’s face. Imbert is also a past master at evasion, especially when it comes to questions about Red House serpents, retaining walls, and stadium construction. 7-5. Hinds vs Lucky — What makes Hinds a dangerous opponent is that, while he often seems to be standing firmly in one position, he is always ready, in his own phrase, to “bend with alacrity.” Luckily — pardon my pun — such contortions are unlikely to distract Gillian who, even if she doesn’t outpunch Hinds, can probably win by citing the rule-book. 2-5. Camille vs Kelvin — With her high, quavering voice, Robinson-Regis can just irritate her opponent into defeat. However, Ramnath’s foul mouth may overwhelm her, unless his hair dye does the job first. Neither will be able to land a blow without losing a few hundred pounds. 5-7 Eulalie vs Nizam — An unlike match-up, since James and Baksh will both enter the ring barely conscious. Nor would it take them long to bore each other to insensibility, but by then the audience would have left anyway. 1-1.

Hedwige vs Harry — This will be a short bout (get it?). Hedwige is known to be quick at pulling off his jacket, so may get in the first blow. On the other hand, Harry is renowned for his ability to cover up, honed by long years of being a closet Panday worshipper while working as a newspaper editor. 5-4. Panday vs Manning — Bas’s acerbic aggression will be met by Patrick’s born-again defence, which fools many people. Although the Silver Fox seems tireless, Manning’s recent Cuba trip probably has the boy working better than ever. Whoever wins, it is the audience that will get beaten to a pulp. 1-1. Eddie vs Hamza — This is the only match-up Hart would agree to, and even then only if he is allowed to enter the ring with bodyguards supplied by the Jamaat-al-Muslimeen. Rafeek’s only hope is to quote the Qu’ranic injunction that bans Muslims from killing one another, although it’s okay to blow up non-Muslim schoolchildren. But even without back-up, Hart can still rely on the judges to declare him a winner if he loses.

Abu vs Martin Joseph (or any other National Security Minister) - No contest. Bakr wins without breaking sweat. 20-1. Umbala vs Gladiator — Welch has the advantage in height and weight and bottom lip, but Joseph is a very black Grenadian. Both promote ignorance, but Joseph does so in bogus English while Welch does it inbad dialect. 3-2. Cudjoe vs Devant — While Parsuram Maharaj has the advantage of actually believing his own racial rhetoric, Cudjoe does not wear socks. Devant can rely on Hindu businessmen to sponsor his gloves, shorts and weight-loss pills, while Cudjoe will get the referee to give him a handicap for being of African descent. 6-5. Kalifa vs Sister Noel — Kalifa Logan is young and pretty. Sr. Adrianna Noel is not. (I have never actually seen the Sister but, since she’s a nun of narrow mind, it’s reasonable to assume she’s both unprepossessing and ancient.) Kalifa has dreadlocks, but Sr. Noel has in her corner devout Catholics who rail up about the rights of the foetus but are quite silent about the rights of a child. 3-7.

Lynette vs Leela — ASPIRE chairperson Lynette Seeberan Suite is a sexy attorney. CCSJ chairperson Leela Ramdeen is a devout attorney. In arguing for reform of our abortion law, Lynette uses data, logic, and moral reasoning. In arguing to keep the law unchanged, Leela uses a loud voice. This being Trinidad, Leela therefore has the advantage. 2-5. Cuffie vs Sat — Hard to call this one. Although Pastor Cuffie is a nashy little fellow, he does have God on his side. On the other hand, Sat has several gods on his side. Sat also has more schools than Cuffie, but lacks a bogus PhD. Cuffie is born again, but Sat is born again and again and again. 5-4. Christine vs Christine — Yes, I know Ms Kangaloo and Ms. Sahadeo sit on the same side in the Senate: but which red-blooded Trini man wouldn’t pay good money to see that fight? 8-8. Jacqui vs Neil — A fight between elegant House Clerk Jacqui Sampson-Jacent and gentlemanly Assistant House Clerk Neil Jagessar is quite improbable. Both are consummate professionals and appear to have an excellent working relationship. In a true Parliament, they would be exemplars to the MPs. In our Parliament, they are a living reproach. 20-20.

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