The art of sports autobiography

More and more people are writing their sporting-life stories these days. Not all of them are very good, I’m afraid, so it’s about time we did one of our occasional master classes, this time on the art of sports autobiography. What is the most important thing about writing your autobiography? To remember to put in a bit for the newspapers.

Pardon?
If your sports story is going to be any good at all, it will be serialised or extracted in a newspaper. The newspaper will want a juicy bit or two with gossip scandal, sex and revelation. That way, the papers will be happy, and the public will rush out to buy the book and get more gossip, scandal, sex and revelation.
What happens if there isn’t any more?
There never is. But that doesn’t matter. What people never seem to realise is that they have already read the best bit in the paper? By the time they have handed over their money for the book, it’s too late.
What is the next most important thing in an autobiography?
To put lots of famous sporting people in the index.
Why?
Most people of any sporting celebrity at all look at the index of a new autobiography first, to see if they are in it. If they are in it, they buy the book. Then word starts getting round about your book. Therefore, put as many famous people in the index as possible. Ato Boldon, Dwight Yorke, Brian Lara, Kertson Manswell, Stephanie Powers, Stacey Sui Butt and maybe even the Pope who has a fondness for football —  the net can be spread very wide.
Do you think the Pope goes round bookshops, looking in indexes?
No, but the Vatican Police do. The plural of “index” is “indices,” by the way.
But what if I don’t know any of these famous sporting people?
I didn’t say you had to know them. Just put them in the index. We know that most people who know them, wish it was not so.
But how can I mention the Pope if I don’t know him?
Oh, don’t be silly. You just say in your life story, “That was the year in which the Pope was nearly assassinated,” and, hey presto, the Pope is in the index.
I see. When is the best time to write my sporting life story?
Before you forget everything.
When is the best time for me to publish my sporting life story?
Before people forget you. And before people forget the people in your sporting life story. If you have a very funny story about Sir Garry Sobers, say, which you are saving for your memoirs, it would be a shame to wait so long that, by the time you recounted it, nobody could remember who Sir Garry Sobers was, especially as a he sold off his famous bats to make ends meet. Although recently I read he was pardoned by a racing course in England for some bets that went bad.
Sir Gary or Sir Garry who?
There you go.
What kind of a funny story would it be about someone like a former West Indies fast bowler?
Well, it could be about him conducting, for instance.
What’s funny about him conducting?  Nothing at all, if you’re in the orchestra, but certainly he should not conduct any commentator’s classes, as his drawl bores most.
What is the difference between “memoirs” and “autobiography?”
If you are pretty old, you write your sporting memoirs. If people are surprised to learn that you aren’t dead, it should be your sporting autobiography.
And if I am a young person —  a sports star, for instance?
Oh, then it would be “My Life Story” or “My Story,” “The Fana Ashby Story,” that kind of thing.
Fana who?
Good Lord.
But if you are a youngish sports star, isn’t there a danger that you may offend people by writing about them?
The only danger is that you may not.
What about someone not so young, a track star who got money?
He has already offended some by not making the time, despite the assistance from the government.
What else is important about a sporting life story?
Getting the right title.
What would he call his?
He’d call it “Sorry I’m Late” .
Another wannabe track star who wants to be a pilot?
Easy: “Slip and Slide.”
More of this some other time, I hope.
(For the best in website management and change management check cornelis-associates.com)