HOW TO LOVE A MAN

German poet Wilhelm Busch wrote, “To become a father is not hard, to be a father is, however.” Following a similar line we may say, “To become a wife is not hard, to be a wife is, however.” But it is also said, “A good man may be hard to find, but not hard to keep!”

A member of the psychotherapeutic profession once said, “Men and women are so vastly different emotionally, psychologically... by nature itself, that, really, it is virtually impossible for them to live together in a true harmonious bond.”  One marriage counsellor quipped, “Marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightening”! The challenges of marriage are many and problems usually have their roots in a “power struggle” for “control” between husband and wife. Solutions are certainly needed but emotional gender biased positions would only produce delusions, not solutions. We have all the complaints about men being insensitive, bullying, callous and delinquent. Some of these are definitely justified. But from my experience, there are men who do have some genuine cases in their “battles” with women. German poet Wilhelm Busch (1832 - 1908) wrote, “To become a father is not hard, to be a father is, however.” Following a similar line we may say, “To become a wife is not hard, to be a wife is, however.”  But it is also said, “A good man may be hard to find, but not hard to keep.” I believe it is becoming increasingly evident to marriage counsellors and therapists, that a growing number of women find it difficult to properly relate to a good man. 

So frequently we find women who endure the worst kinds of abuses and continue to “stick with the man” over long years. On the other hand, there are those women who are blessed with spouses who are quite simple in demeanour, easy-going, hard-working and only desiring due respect,  but she finds it most difficult to relate. It’s amazing how many “faults” some women can find in such good men! I have found that one of the reasons a number of women have difficulty in relating to kind, humble, upright men, is because they (the women) have been exposed only to men with the opposite kind of disposition and character.  If you grew up in a jungle, civilisation will certainly confuse you! For women with such a problem, the gentle tone of her spouse may be interpreted as not being serious, or plain weakness, so she takes the “gentle” man for granted. As a consequence, he is treated with disrespect.  His meals, clothing and similar needs are neglected. Emotionally and sexually, he might suffer in a similar manner. But lo and behold, if the breakdown comes, the man automatically gets the blame for being the culprit. Some wives also spend so much time gossiping with loose women about “how bad” men are, that it becomes difficult for them to see the good in their husbands. 

A sizeable fraction of the male community holds the impression that modern society, and the various authorities, are firmly of the view that it is solely the man’s responsibility to adjust his masculine nature and thinking to match that of his spouse. He must learn to be “more gentlemanly,” which really means “more feminine,” and learn how to think, respond and “emotionally perceive” the same way his mate does. If he fails in these, he is branded as selfish and insensitive. For similar reasons, many men feel that even before the courts, they won’t be treated fairly. It is sometimes said, “Men are borne of women and spend the rest of their lives yearning for a woman’s acceptance and approval.” Men therefore, are primarily not as complicated and difficult to relate to, as many women may think. In fact, just the basic respect, admiration, food and romance — and no nagging! — and you’ll be surprised to find out the awesome level of “control” you have over the same “difficult” man. Noted author, Dr Edwin Cole says, “The three major areas of trouble in marriage are communication, sex and money.” In my view, the first in the list is the biggest of them all. And it’s not merely verbal communication either. So many times the non-verbal version such as a simple smile, a pleasant look, an embrace, a kiss or similar kinds of positive body language, do much more than words. Did somebody say that action speaks louder than words?

In his great book, His Needs, Her Needs, Willard Hardy  gives “The five love languages” as affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts and physical touch.  We just could not over-emphasise the importance of communication — in its various forms.  Love, of course, undergirds all of these, and, God is love — God, no love. Maybe it’s lust, but not love. I have repeatedly made the point in this space: Forgiveness is the key to successful relationships, especially the marital relationship. Sometimes forgiveness is most effective when it is given at a time when it’s not deserved. That is called mercy. Gloria Steinem, American journalist and feminist leader wrote in one of her many essays, “Women need men like fish need bicycles.” It’s amazing how many women over an entire generation — much to their detriment — have bitten this bait, denigrating men, marriage and motherhood, while scorning the sanctity attached to each of these. Whatever the feminist propaganda over the years, I can tell you, a woman is most beautiful and fulfilled when she is in that place where God created her to be — a virtuous, industrious woman; “helpmeet” and crown to her husband, and committed mother to her children. “A woman who loves the Lord is to be praised”  (Pro. 31:30).