A conversation with God

I want to talk with God. You will no doubt think this a peculiar desire for an atheist. But I only call myself an atheist because calling myself “hexagonal” would be just silly. What I really am is agnostic, but most of the faithful don’t know the meaning of that word. Which is no doubt why God, in His infinite wisdom, gave “faith” one syllable and “agnostic” three. After all, why would the faithful need to know a term that describes a person who doesn’t know if there’s a God or not? God has already sent us several Holy Texts: and, according to the latest bestseller list, He’s at it again.

I discovered this when I heard about a book called Conversations with God. The author claims to have actually talked to God. Of course, so have many other people, but this guy also claims that God has answered him. So, it is true, have some other people: many of whom are being treated for schizophrenia. Not this fellow, though: instead, he has recorded his conversation with the Supreme Being in three slim volumes and become a multi-millionaire. So now you understand why I, too, want to have a chat with God. A few millions in my bank account would, I feel, do wonders for my sex appeal.

So, with Divali just done and Eid coming up and Christmas in the air, I thought now would be a propitious period to contact God. And, like a good journalist, I spent the last weekend doing research, prepared my list of questions, and sang “Solitary Man.” Then, on Sunday evening, I went to my bedroom and, within ten minutes, I actually got through to God! The fact that I’d fallen asleep should in no way compromise what follows, which is word for word what God told me. Really.

Hi, God.
Hello, Kevin Lionel Baldeosingh.
My God, you really are God! I never tell anyone my middle name.
I see all things, hear all things, and I have a pretty good sense of smell as well.
Is that why you ask for burnt offerings?
Actually, what I wanted was churned offerings. You know, a little cheese, a few curds, maybe some ice cream now and then. But old Abraham always was deaf in one ear.
God, there are many things I don’t understand…
Just ask, My son, and all shall be made clear to you.
Why’d You create the mosquito?
The mosquito?
Yes. It’s ecologically useless, carries a host of diseases, and makes an annoying sound as well.
The mosquito, you say?
Yes.
I wanted to provide employment to the insect repellent industry.
So all the pestilence and illness and death that have ravaged nations were to boost the economy?
Well, I had to create a demand.
But why give the mosquito that annoying whine too?
A good night’s sleep makes people complacent. People who make insect repellent are worse than people who traffic in marijuana!
Aren’t You contradicting Yourself?
What’s your point?
Why’d You invent ganja then?
So people would have a temptation to resist. Except Rastafarians, of course. They just have to resist the temptation to get an education in a Catholic school.
Speaking of Catholics, You abort between 50 to 80 percent of all fertilised eggs, and believers say that a human being starts at conception. That makes You a mass murderer, yet still they worship You.
Of course they do. I’m very good-looking. I’m also all-powerful, so it’d be risky not to sing hosannas, bhajans, and wails to Me. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh, I tell them, and that seems to stop any complaints.
But they say You consider killing zygotes a mortal sin, let alone children.
I don’t know where they get that from. Did I not send two she-bears to slay those 42 brats who made mock of the prophet Elisha?
Believers say that You value the family. They even had a conference about it last weekend.
They must not have read Luke 14:26. “If any man come to me, and hate not his father and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.” I mean, how much plainer do they want Me to be?
You weren’t kidding?
Do I look like the kind of Deity who kids or the kind who suffers from acid reflux? Especially when I’m Allah. Surah 59: 22 says the same thing: “Thou will not find folk who believe in Me and the Last Day loving those who oppose Me and My messenger, even if they are their fathers or sons or brothers or clan.” And as Lord Krsna I spend the entire Bhagavad-gita persuading Arjuna to slay his relatives. “One who is not egotistical, whose intelligence is clear, though he kills men in this world, does not murder nor will he be punished,” I told him. He swallowed it hook, line and sinker too.
Why didn’t You just send one Holy Text and avoid confusion?
After you write one clay tablet, it’s hard to stop. Besides, all My texts agree on certain things.
Only that people should be put to death for everything from murder to adultery to blasphemy, and that women are inferior.
Right, that’s all agreeable.
Do You hate women?
No. But I really wanted spare rib for dinner that evening.
And why’d you invent the caste system?
I couldn’t figure what to do with all that ghee.
The Holy Texts say that You created the universe and the Earth and all living creatures. But science says otherwise.
Believe in Me, not logic or evidence.
Can’t we believe in logic and evidence and in You?
Of course, if you enjoy getting a brain hernia.
God, it’s been enlightening.
Sure, call on Me any time you’re unconscious, deluded, or lacking in sex appeal.

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
Website: www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh