Rationalisation, Inc.

I have devoted a good part of my life to rational thought. But, in this place, rationality doesn’t get you wealth or power. If it did, Pastor Cuffie would be renting and I would be building an ugly house in McBean Village. So that fact that I embrace rationality in this society this just shows how irrational I really am. But what am I to do? After years of promoting rationality, I can’t suddenly become a believer, or a feminist, or a socialist. So the challenge facing me was this: was there any way I could use my capacity for rationality to make some real moola? And then it struck me! Why not offer a rationalisation service for those in need of it? It was, if I may say so myself, a simple yet brilliant concept. After all, people are always fooling themselves about how nice and worthy they are. And the people most in need of such self-deception are often those in public life, who generally tend to have the stuff in sackfuls. Surely they would pay a hefty sum for professional advice how to see their ideal image, instead of their true reflection. So, in order to drum up customers for this new and innovative service, I herewith provide a few free samples:

Case#1. A professional politician, KR came to prominence by shaving his head and anointing it with oil. He once felt this sufficient to challenge the anointed leader, who only used hair dye. However, KR discovered that chubby cheeks are more powerful than tight jeans. Narrowly escaping being lynched by the party faithful, KR later redeemed himself by exposing corrupt activities in the opposing party. However, he is now perceived by his critics as having carried out his investigations mainly in order to learn the ropes. Viewed by a significant share of the electorate as a merely tribal spokesman, he likes to portray himself as big and bad, and is reputed to be especially deadly with a teacup. His main accomplishment has been promising to remove illegal billboards, but not actually doing so. Rationalisation: “Anyone who thinks I’m biased is a UNC fanatic. Look at all the poor black people who supporting me, even though they still poor after 30-plus years with my party in power. This proves that I am a really wonderful guy. People who think I’m corrupt just don’t like to see a black man making millions, especially if it’s his wife signing the cheques. And I am not violent, although I know how to be, you better believe it! In fact, I don’t even like tea.”
 
Case#2. Occupying one of the most important public posts in the country, GH is generally viewed as a man who should find a good welder to remove lead from his pants and put it into his spine. While his predecessor, who is now a judge, established a reputation for being pro-active, GH has established a reputation for being really, really quiet. This allows justice to sleep soundly under his watch. His crowning achievement to date has been to demonstrate to all citizens that justice is not blind, but has 2020 Vision. Rationalisation: “All criticisms come from people who do not know the law. What an Opposition lawyer says about any errors I have made doesn’t count, because she just showing political bias. I am not slow or ineffectual, I am just aware of my wider role in preserving social order. I am not into self-promotion like that fella before me, which is why the general public doesn’t even know what I look like. But, if they did, I am sure they would be impressed at how neat my beard is.”

Case#3. HH is a wanna-be corporate mogul who does not believe in brushing his hair or his teeth. He insists that his tame journalists call him “Mr. President”, partly because he is so clearly from the bush. He pays good money to buy people’s loyalty, although before you can work in his organisation you are required to first cut off your testicles. HH believes that money speaks louder than words, especially since he talks with a lisp and bad English. His main achievement has been for he and his goons to confirm every stereotype of coolie behaviour. Rationalisation: “Me eh fraid nobody. I good-looking and have bodyguard. I real smart, because the journalist on mih radio station always asking me to come and talk on all kinda ting. Dem people who does badtalk mih jes jealous because I good-looking and have bodyguard.”

Case#4. R-j is a Hindu leader who has devoted his life to getting more followers than Sat Maharaj. He believes that Sanskrit is superior to every other language, though he himself  speaks in a combination of Hindi and bad dialect. He always argues that Indian culture gets second-rate treatment, a complaint which invariably ends with a request for money. When all else fails, he draws attention to himself by arguing that Divali should be cancelled because of a supposed massacre that happened over a century ago.
Rationalisation: “I went to India and study so I have cosmic knowledge, kala pani, and I more enlightened than Sat because I have bigger earlobes than he, apan jhat, and I have a real impressive beard too so is just a matter of time before people acknowledge me as the true Hindu leader in this place, dhal and bhaji.”

Case#5. Since assuming political office, FK has accomplished many things, mainly building himself a million-dollar home and purchasing several expensive vehicles. Under his watch, the country has experienced the worst floods in recorded history. FK blames this mainly on ordinary people’s unlawful building, and partly on construction projects by private developers. He has not said whether either happened with the wink-eye of the party he belongs to or the outright blessing of his leader. Nor does it occur to FK that, with citizens suffering loss of property and loss of life, he should offer his resignation. Rationalisation: “Once I keep smiling, people will feel everything is all right.”

E-mail:kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
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