You want a friend? Get a dog

THE EDITOR: I refer to the article “The high price of sleeping with the enemy” by Suzanne Sheppard. The writer of the above article believes because she was in an abusive relationship which she successfully ended that she knows a thing or two about relationships. I quote “Every victim in an abusive relationship is sleeping with the enemy.” Wrong — dead wrong. I quote again “The person with whom they are intimate, who is likely to be with them at their most vulnerable moments can become the person who kills or maims them.” Right — quite right. Everyone, those in an abusive relationship and those not in an abusive relationship are sleeping with the enemy. Studies have shown that a person is more likely to be harmed by a close relative/significant other than by a stranger.

If you want a friend get a dog. If you want “Agape” — pure Christian love — join a sincere prayer group. But beware of sexual, passionate, love relationships. The most powerful drive in the human psyche is the sex drive. Mix high testosterone levels (male abusers have been found to have high testosterone levels) with male jealousy, sexual frustration and an inability to manage anger and you have a tragedy waiting to happen. Studies have also shown that women in the child bearing stage of life are the ones most likely to be abused because they are perceived to be more attractive to other males while women who have entered menopause are less likely to be abused because they are less attractive to other males. People commit themselves to a relationship too quickly. They do not take time to get to know the other person until it is too late.

“Male jealousy” — a man is thinking of his wife, he sees her in all her physical beauty. Then he imagines her having sex with another male — male jealousy. Anger builds up and he pounces on his wife and puts a “cut arse” on her — the anger cycle passes as soon as this is over and he is so sorry, and the wife is dumfounded “what did I do?” Darling you did nothing. There is a hypothesis called the frustration-aggression hypothesis. Plainly stated if someone is accustomed to getting benefits from a certain source and that source is at sometime cut off — the former recipient becomes frustrated (sexual frustration) and the more he tries to regain that benefit/comfort and is rebuffed the more angry and frustrated he becomes until he destroys his rebuffer. A wife leaving or having left the marital home is begged to return by the husband but she is adamant in her refusal to return or resume their former relationship and the husband under the push-pull of frustration and aggression becomes mentally unstable.

His mind enters an altered state of consciousness — he badly damages or kills the wife and then is instantly sorry and regretful. The intervention of family members sometimes increases the frustration/aggression cycle of the spurned husband leading to tragic results. I quote: “In every case of domestic abuse, intervention, support, even tough love in some instances, is necessary.” What are we to do — supply the woman with armed bodyguards by day and by night? All legislation, the whole police service, family concern cannot save a woman a man makes up his mind to kill. You want to stop domestic abuse? Let a woman get witnesses, gather evidence of such abuse and petition a special tribunal. Then kill her abuser. Then on the weight of such evidence let her claim self defence.

JACK LEARMOND CRIQUI
Diego Martin

PS — The basis of a sexual-love relationship is “passion.” If you satisfy passion it dies. If you frustrate it, it grows hotter and more demanding until total frustration leads to suicide or murder/suicide.