Coded calls

I don’t generally believe in conspiracy theories. This is partly because the people who do believe in such things tend to be afrocentrists, indocentrists, socialists, or postmodernists — in other words, people whose grip on reality isn’t very firm. But I do believe that influential individuals do talk to one another and sometimes do things based on that talk — if this weren’t the case, some of the more dotish statements and actions we see in the public sphere could never occur.

And, over the past few months, I have been wondering what conversations may have taken place between the movers and shakers of this society, as well as some individuals who don’t move anything but their bowels. Being a journalist, I thought I should find some way of overhearing and recording these conversations. However, my attempt to buy equipment from the Israelis failed. They insisted that I had to have either a platinum card or a circumcision. So, being a writer, I decided it would be easier just to make-up the conversations. And, although I am certain that my fictions are true, I will leave it to the reader to figure out who the code names stand for.

Conversation #1
Caller1: Hello, this is Tricky Daddy. Is this Ah Boo?
Caller2: Salaam aleikum, Pa. Yeah, this is Boo.
Caller1: These young fellers are getting out of hand. How they could come and kill somebody in front of Republic Bank?
Caller2: They say the lines does be too long there.
Caller1: I must do something. I met with those fellas. I let them stand less than one foot away from me. I even gave them pastry. And still they are making me look bad.
Caller2: But dem young fellers easy to control, man. Just say you will give dem licks.
Caller1: Will that work?
Caller2: Like a dream.
Caller1: Hm. I do have a good tongue.
Caller2: Click!

Conversation#2:
Caller1: Hello, this is Frozen Grimace.
Caller2: Yes, FG, this is Oyster Winter.
Caller1: I saw Indian and African children playing together yesterday.
Caller2: Playing what?
Caller1: I think was catch.
Caller2: Who was “It”?
Caller1: The African child.
Caller2: They’re trying to make my child feel he’s a hunted runaway slave!
Caller1: Exactly, pulling down the black man. I’ll do one of my investigations and accuse the school of racism.
Caller2: How will you make your case?
Caller1: The usual way. Lies, half-truths, innuendoes.
Caller2: Great. And I’ll find some complaint about contempt for Black people. Maybe in the theatre.
Caller1: Excellent. Hail.
Caller2: And snow, too. Went to London in February to see my daughter, Hunny.
Caller1: How she doing?
Caller2: Good. Sucking the Mother Country titty and badtalking the milk.
Caller1: You taught her well. Anyway, let me go and stir up some racial animosity.
Caller2: Yes, me too. Goodbye, my African Warrior.
Caller1: Goodbye, my Wise Old Woman.
Caller2: Who de %#&!* yuh calling old? Click!

Conversation#3:
Caller1: No Clue? Forwards Rasta here. You see what going on?
Caller2: What?
Caller1: What you mean “what”? The murders, the kidnappings, the fire.
Caller2: Nobody ent get fire. Not even Martin.
Caller1: I’m talking about the fire in the People’s Mall!
Caller2: That is all right, Aboud shoulda fire dem vendors long time now.
Caller1: Look, the murders up to one every 25 hours now.
Caller2: Is the system. What you doing about it?
Caller1: I up every morning at seven listening to all the radio stations. Then I does call and give rhetoric. But you have to do your part, too.
Caller2: You ent see how much traffic checks I arrange or what?
Caller1: What that have to do with the murders?
Caller2: I do my part. People have to do theirs.
Anyway, Law and Order starting. I gone. Click!

Conversation#4
Caller1: Yes, hello? Son of a King?
Caller2: Who is that?
Caller1: It is I, comrade. Black Marx.
Caller2: Aiy, what are you saying?
Caller1: Whatever I want. Trouble is, those people on the radio saying whatever they want too.
Caller2: Time to shut them up?
Caller1: Indeed. We must protect the society from ignorance. We must ban cartoons and nudity especially.
Caller2: They will say we practising censorship.
Caller1: We will put in some paragraphs about respecting freedom of speech at the start and the close of the Code. You know those journalists. They only read the beginning and the end of any document.
Caller2: Some of them read the middle, too. Not many, it’s true, but some.
Caller1: Well, we will just put in a lot of stuff about protecting children. That always fools the foolish public.
Caller2: Brilliant!
Caller1: Well, I am a professor, you know.
Caller2: So am I.
Caller1: Well, let’s start professing then. Click!

Conversation#5
Caller1: Hello. This is Fairness Man.
Caller2: Taj Mahal here.
Caller1: I’m going to call for the death penalty for kidnappers.
Caller2: Why?
Caller1: I’m trying to close a deal with some Indian businessmen.
Caller2: Well, people always like to hang criminals.
Caller1: That’s what I say. Hang enough poor people and we will also eliminate poverty.
Caller2: Just be careful they don’t also ask for the death penalty for cheating businessmen.
Caller1: Hm. Maybe I better rethink this. Click!

Conversation#6
Caller1: Hello. This is Militant Feminist.
Caller2: Hi, MF. Obedient Man here.
Caller1: Do you think I’m beautiful? Say “Yes.”
Caller2: Yes.
Caller1: Do you think I’m incredibly intelligent? Say “Yes.”
Caller2: Yes.
Caller1: Do you think I have a wonderful personality?
Say “Yes.”
Caller2: Yes.
Caller1: Do you think I’m truly spiritual and don’t need to apologise for calling somebody sexist, racist, and paedophile? Say “Yes, there’s no need to apologise to anybody.”
Caller2: Yes. There’s no need to apologise to anybody for lying about them.
Caller1: Do you think I’m a good writer?
Caller2: Click!
E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com