Patrick’s temporary leave of reality

I mean for the life of me, how else can a man who professes to be a smart man and who I am sure went to school, could boldly go before thousands of people and with the media in sight and sound and declare that crime in this country was "temporary?"

If we believe our Prime Minister then all those 100-plus murder victims are just dead "temporary." After all, they were victims of ‘temporary crime’ and can look forward to resuming their lives in the not too distant future.

Is pious old Patrick going to the various cemeteries in the dead of night standing over the graves of murdered persons and in true Benny Hinn fashion declaring: "Ye who fell to the bullet and died at the hands of bandits, verily I say, the hour of temporary crime has passed. Rise up I command!"

Oh pity the poor cemetery vagrants awakened from their slumber to see pontificating Patrick returning the gift of life to the "temporary" dead. Surely some would think that St Ann’s had moved to their cemetery and run the hell out of there.

Or, imagine if you will, Patrick going to the cremation site in Caroni or the St James cinerary, gathering up ashes and mixing it up with water. Then, in a dread, sombre tone saying: "Tis the father of the nation who speaketh. Rise from the ashes o murdered one, for crime is temporary and the hour of death has passed."

Whether or not anyone rises at Patrick’s command, is another matter altogether.

I mean, for years now the old Bas has been ordering, nay begging and pleading with his troops to "rise up, rise up," yet no one has bothered to even give the greying fox half an ear of attention.

But with Patrick, who remember is the Father of this Nation, stranger things can happen. Now to all those die hard Patrick fans out there, reading this and planning to get their hands on a Chinese doll and foot-long needles at any cost, I say this: Hold on just one damn minute!

Before you jook needles into the Chinese doll and think bad things about me, consider this — I did not make this up. No one put a gun to Patrick’s head nor was he forced to go before those thousands at Eddie Hart Savannah two Sundays ago and make the dotish "crime is temporary" remark. He said it of his own free will. So there! Stick yourself with the needles.

Over 135 murders this year, guns galore all over the place, rude boys on patrol, police not on patrol, schools burning, kidnappings left right and centre and all yuh want to mercilessly chook a Chinese doll with needles? Hear this. If the present crime is only temporary, then I do not ever want to see permanent crime. Heaven help us all.

But the truth be told, I really admire our esteemed leader and that is no lie, Ahem. Patrick is the most optimistic person I have known in my entire life and this is a good trait to have in a Leader, if you ask me.

Patrick always seems to have a bright smile on his face replacing of late the now resigned Franklin, in the guy smiley department. In the face of banditry, slayings, death and destruction Patrick remains eternally optimistic. Hats off to you Patrick ole boy.

And I really hope the day comes sooner rather than later, when Patrick calls me from the hallowed halls of Whitehall and in a triumphant tone say — "Ah ha Chee Hing. Oh ye of little faith and humour. Do you see how the crime has stopped and peace and goodwill reign in the fair isle of Moriland? Ent I tell you that crime was temporary?" Really, I wish this would happen.

Throughout history, we have had leaders making weird claims. Midget man Napolean Bonaparte claimed he was tall and slender, a good, peaceful man who preferred wine and women to conquest. Rasputin claimed he could speak in several tongues although like most of us, he only had one.

And Nostradamus claimed he saw in a vision the advent of the leader of a very rich Caribbean country near Venezuela — a man with the ability to time and time again put both feet in his mouth.

But this is the first time I think in World History we have had a leader in the person of Patrick who could with a straight face promise to bring back the dead, because that is what he means when he says crime is temporary.

Tell that to the 135, no wait make it 136, murdered folks of this land. Now I shall put my pen down here, for I am starting to feel chooking and jooking sensations all over. I think a visit to the doctor is in order. God how I hate needles.

NOTE: Here’s a bold statement for you. The West Indies’ terribly painful slump is only "temporary." Indeed, we are going to win the next 50 Test matches on the trot and the cricket World Cup in 2007, is as good as ours.