The Manning Manifesto

But, with the energy dollars flowing so generously, I want to get my dose of the salts before it runs out. Unfortunately, I am not such good friends with Franklin Khan that I can get a $500,000 loan without a signed agreement.

The only thing I am only qualified to do is write. So having carefully studied Mr Manning’s vision, I have drawn up the following draft document, which I hope will prove to him that I am worth hiring at an extremely exorbitant salary — maybe half of whatever Attorney General John Jeremie pays news-editor-turned-spin-doctor Maxie Cuffie.

Preamble: Since the People’s National Movement returned to power, this country has had an unprecedented period of stable governance and economic prosperity unparalleled since the misty dawn of time. This is because, as a trained geologist and the longest-serving politician in the Caribbean, this Prime Minister has been able to ensure that the oil companies have discovered many new gas reserves. Under the wise leadership of the Honourable and Distinguished Patrick Manning Esquire, crime has been shown to be only temporary, laws have been passed to beat prisoners with the cat o’ nine tails, it has been ensured that jail eh nice, we have tried to hang them by the neck until they are dead, and we also plan to construct many tall buildings in Port-of-Spain. In other words, ladies and gentlemen, we are well on the way to Vision 2020 and First World status. In every sector, this Government has a plan which will ensure we are a First World country with a Prime Minister who is respected in the international arena and who has never been in jail, except to visit his chauffeur.

National Security: We will fully re-equip every police station, ensuring that nooses and cat o’ nine tails are readily available. This will drastically reduce police response time. Of course, we realise that, before criminals can be beaten and hanged, they must first be caught. The PNM therefore guarantees a drastic increase in detection rates, since we will be hiring Yesenia Gonzalves, Solomon Babu and Sean Lalsingh Harribance as crime consultants. In this way, we will be able to catch criminals even before they commit a crime. And, in order to ensure that top officers will work hard and inspire the bottom officers to do the same, we will also build a tall building to house the police headquarters.

Health: After long and rigorous analysis, the PNM has concluded that the main problem in the health sector is the doctors. This is because most of them belong to the natural UNC constituency.

We will therefore be replacing all doctors with herbalists, homeopaths, reflexologists, and aromatherapists. In this way, we will become the first country in the world where people are cured of diabetes, heart disease, cancer and AIDS, which doctors admit they cannot do, but which herbalists on TV and radio say they can. We will also be building a tall building for the Health Ministry.

Sport: We will build an $850 million sporting complex, which will produce elite athletes and extremely wealthy Government officials. This complex will also reduce crime, since young black men will learn to run very fast from other young black men who want to kill them. We guarantee that the sporting complex will consist of very tall buildings.

Education: We will make abstinence-only and self-esteem classes the core of a modern curriculum. This will also solve all disciplinary problems, since young people who are celibate and have a high opinion of themselves will not fight, carry weapons, or be rude to teachers. We will also appoint Pastor Clive Dottin as a Special Education Advisor. By learning that the Earth is really only 6,000 years old, students will realise that they don’t have much time to learn their lessons. By learning that evolution is a lie, no child will call another an ape. We will also build a big building to house the Education Ministry, with well-appointed sleeping quarters for the Minister so she can have a high opinion of herself while practising abstinence.

Works: As everyone knows, floods are an Act of God. We will therefore replace NEMA with prayer groups, who will ensure that floods never occur, except in areas where people do not worship God. We will also stop hurricanes by building many tall buildings to block the wind.

Finance: In order to ensure re-election, all PNM MPs will be provided with blank cheques so that we can continue to ensure proper fiscal management of the economy. We will also set up a special Sexual Harassment Fund so that the CEOs of State enterprises will not be distracted from their duties. The Finance Ministry will also exercise fiscal restraint by not building a tall building, since it already has one.

Gender Affairs: We will not reform the abortion laws, since with the Health Ministry pushing abstinence-only and morals and values, there will be no more unwanted pregnancies. Ditto for homosexuality. We will pass Sexual Harassment legislation, making it legal to cover up any allegations of sexual harassment from a State enterprise CEO.

Prime Minister’s Office: All persons working in this office will be required to sign an agreement promising not to get murdered, since such deaths greatly embarrass the Prime Minister. A new building will also be constructed to house his office and, in order to maintain confidence in the country’s leadership, this building will be taller than Issa Nicholas’.

Tourism: In order to earn significant foreign exchange from a non-energy sector, the PNM will be embarking on a new tourist drive that is guaranteed to increase visitors all year round. This will be accomplished by building tall buildings for tourists to admire when they come to Trinidad.

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