Differences between the sexes

It was during an afternoon lime that a colleague of several years shared one of his certainties.

“Women are poor decision makers generally because they make decisions based on emotions not reality.”

That got me to thinking about other views men have about women and vice versa. These include the cliches, truths and fallacies that are passed on from generation to generation. I don’t know who came up with the saying “men are bad” but it has lingered for years and years and years.

The same colleague said, “Women lie. They are sly, they cheat a lot but are discreet about it.”

Whether in jest or through experience men think women have a diabolical nature and like Eve in the Garden can bring damnation and ruin to man.

Another man whose opinion I sought said women were the closest thing to the Devil because “when the devil wants you, it will wine and dine you and steal your soul” while a third said, “woman was invented to kill man.” I should add that both men are not gay, single or regard themselves as women haters.

Giving a positive view, a mature man said, “Women give a sense of direction. They try and make you improve in life and accomplish your goals and it is up to you to accept and reject. A woman could make you accomplish in life or break you too.”

Women involved in stable, happy relationships also make cynical remarks.

Here are a few: “Men lie and cheat. They are insensitive and cold hearted. I found a man who is not all of that”, “A woman who finds a good man should thank her lucky stars, or at least he has her believing he is good for a number of years”, “They are stupid. They think with one head. They don’t comprehend certain things. It’s like talking Greek. You have to repeat yourself so many times,” “They will never understand us. They try to change us into what they want us to be and miss that we are unique. The need to accept us.”

According to relationship-institute.com one of the most frequent complaints women have about men is that they do not listen while men most frequently complained about women trying to change them.

It is true that women can be more emotional than men but our socialisation allows us to be. Men are not supposed to show emotions which can be perceived as weakness. That does not mean men do not cry but their range of emotions is limited to aggression since it conforms to what is expected from them by other men and women. Acts of violence can mask pain, hurt, disappointment and frustration.

The relationship-institute.com said, “men rarely talk about their problems unless they are seeking expert advice, asking for help when you can do something for yourself is a sign of weakness.”

An article published on BBC online at the end of last year referred to the findings by Janet Shibley-Hyde, a Women’s Studies specialist from the University of Wisconsin which showed that men and women are not as different as believed.

She reviewed studies (cognitive abilities, verbal and non-verbal community, psychological well-being etc) of men and women over the past 20 years and found that differences accounted for either no or very small effect for most psychological differences examined. Only in the area of throwing and physical aggression showed a marked difference.

Shibley-Hyde said misrepresentation of how different the sexes are could harm men and women of all ages in many different areas of life. She was quoted as saying, “the claims can hurt women’s opportunities in the workplace, dissuade couples from trying to resolve conflict and communication problems and cause unnecessary obstacles which can hurt children and adolescents self esteem.”

But there are differences which cannot be ignored.

Women get angry when men forget certain dates which they regard as significant e.g. their wedding anniversary. A man would more likely remember where he was, what he was drinking and who he was with, when Brian Lara made his record score of 400 in 2004 against England at the Antigua Recreation Grounds. Dr Michael Conner, a clinical and medical psychologist in his paper “Understanding The Differences Between Men and Women” said men tend to recall events using strategies that rely on reconstructing the elements, tasks, or activities that took place. He said they easily recalled “profound experiences that are associated with competition, or physical activities.”

He said men felt closer and more validated in relationships through shared activities such as sports, competition, outdoor activities or sexual activities. Women felt closer and validated through communication, dialogue and intimate sharing of experiences, emotional content and personal perspective.

Dr Conner said, “The task that faces men and women is to learn to accept their differences, avoid taking their differences as personal attempts to frustrate each other and to compromise whenever possible.” He said the idea that one gender could think and feel like the other if they truly love was “rather absurd.” I agree.