Is the marriage bed boring you?

You sigh … suck your teeth maybe. And you wonder: Why does good sex so often fade, even for couples who continue to love each other deeply? And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex? Does family life - having children - mean the end of erotic desire and tempered passion? Has sex become a chore for you, or are you the who feels you’re not getting your fair share? Well … welcome to married life! Not that you’re doomed to an existence of dull, routine, obligation sex - if sex still happens - but you are now faced with the challenge of sustaining the passion in a long term relationship. And it does require some work. But before I give a few tips for rekindling the eroticism in marriage lets look at some of the reason why this happens.

Relationship Issues If you can’t assert yourself in relationship, whether it be about about general things or specific topics, it will affect your sexual relationship. It is not uncommon for resentment to grow, that eventually affects how close or how comfortable you feel having sex with your spouse (particularly if one person had an affair). It is not unusual for a woman to complain that her man doesn’t treat her as a person. He’s not warm and loving. He doesn’t want to talk to her and he doesn’t touch her unless the touching is going to lead to intercourse. It sometimes happens, that when a wife develops a career, and after a while she overtakes the husband, he is unable to accept it. He feels emasculated and loses his sexual drive. He has to learn to come to terms with her success before they could engage in good sex again.

Lifestyle Changes That promotion, which means more money, also means more responsibility and more time at work. With children and work, fatigue and stress sets in. When this happens, sex is the last thing on your mind. This tend to be a common obstacle for women although men are not immune mind you.

Body Image As a woman’s body changes, this can give rise to body image problems because she no longer sees herself as the same sexual being. Men, though not as often, sometimes have the same issue. Suddenly the thought of getting undress is scary, because you now believe that your partner will be completely turned off by your appearance.

So how do you get your groove back? First let me say that if you and your partner are happy with your current status, even if sex is as rare as an honest politician, then you don’t have a problem. There’s no rule about how much sex and eroticism is recommended and there’s much truth in the clich? that it’s quality rather than quantity that counts. But if your sex life, or it’s nonexistence, is putting a strain on the relationship for one or both of you, something must be done. According to sex therapist Esther Perel, the ingredients for eroticism, the “poetics of sex,” are imagination, playfulness, novelty, curiosity, and mystery, with the central piece being imagination. Eroticism is integral to sexual satisfaction.

So here are to the tips. It is said, that there are three pillars of an erotic marriage:
• awareness of feelings, thoughts, and fantasies
• openness to experimenting with erotic scenarios and techniques
• a dynamic process of touching, teasing and seduction between you and your spouse The awareness starts with each partner recognising and identifying their sexual preferences. Share your thoughts and attitudes about a variety of things such as oral sex, having sex in the shower, sex with the lights on, massaging etc.

When this is done, focus next on developing scenarios or selecting or creating techniques to explore. For example consider the following:
• Sensuality - giving affection in everyday life and not just as a precursor to intercourse
• Post-intercourse activities - for example, having a snack, or a drink, taking a walk or talking instead of rolling over and sleeping Also, learn about the different kinds of touch and how to communicate through touch. Feel free to change whatever becomes boring and focus on those which build anticipation.

If this all seems a bit much to manage, visiting a counsellor, sex therapist or sex coach is a perfectly acceptable way to deal with lack of intimacy and sex in a marriage, At the end of the day, you deserve to have a wonderfully creative sex life.

Onika Henry is a Tobago-based, trained Sex Educator (M.Ed. Human Sexuality) and a Certified Sex Coach.

She designs and implements workshops, training, and psycho-educational counselling, to address sexual health concerns.

Contact: Tobago: 381-3049.

Trinidad - Wholeness and Wellness Counselling Office