The Mature Marriage

The _ rst of these critical issues is the “richness of intimacy” we grow into and continue to enjoy. More than sexual, intimacy involves the full spectrum of actions, thoughts and words than continuously communicate love for each other. For some, this involves primarily the exchanging of actual gifts (at birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even non-planned occasions); for others it is quality times spent alone with each other, acts of service, words of affirmation and confirmation or physical touches-both large and small. In a mature marriage, all “five love languages”, as coined of Gary Chapman, find their appropriate voices, timings and places; even though one or two dominate our relationship landscape.

Then there is that “greater security” of the developed or developing marriage. This is where the external forms of exclusive ownership, established and supported by the exchanged vows, wedding rings or Hindu “sindoor” worn, are superseded by an increasing exposure and merging of “inner worlds”. An empowering fusion that gives greater freedom for all of oneself to find unfettered expression without the underlying fear of “break-up”. Where one can speak openly and genuinely of one’s good and bad, one’s weaknesses and ugliness in a “safe space”.

This space must be allowed to grow and be fiercely protected from unwelcomed intrusions coming from our daily duties, commitments and achievements. It is a maturing space that becomes more precious as the necessary distractions dissipate over time, with the abiding reality - “the children will come and the children with go, but the marriage continues” A third dimension of a truly advanced or advancing marriage is the “high level of individual initiative” that is promoted, present and celebrated with minimal or non-existent friction between husband and wife. How does the faster-thinking, immediate solution-driven female co-exist and evolve with the slower, wider, “dream-like” thinking male? Indeed, it is one of the great accomplishments of a progressive matrimony that makes this most fundamental of gender differences work for it, as opposed to, against it! The trusting of the faster-moving wife by the husband to keep the good of their marriage paramount in all her objectives and endeavors begins the upward thrust to maturity. This must be coupled with the husband not seeking to “control or micro-manage” his wife and her undertakings, but rather taking the directional leadership and being “in charge of” the overall marriage.

Here, his prime focus is capturing available, marital-advancing opportunities and preventing unwarranted loss, damage or crisis; while supporting and cheering on his wife’s personal enlargement and attainments. Here who earns the larger salary and who does household chores become of secondary, or even lower, importance. Here the maturing love for each other is not driven by “need”, but by a swelling “desire” to fully experience what each partner and the marriage were “born to do”! We congratulate all our married couples in Trinidad and Tobago on their diligent and patient work in 2016, particularly in those areas that led to richer intimacy, deeper security and expanding initiatives. In 2017, let us strive even more to consume, enjoy and share the life-giving fruits of our ripening oneness with all those around us. Blessed New Year!