Resolving mismatched desires

You’re not alone in this situation and it probably will not be the only time (whether you’re the ‘asker’ or the ‘askee’). Many of us have been asked to do something sexually, in or out of the bedroom that may cause us to do a double take or raise an eyebrow. It is also quite possible, that even if you haven’t been asked to do something more often or differently, your partner may have fantasised about it. The truth is, boredom and monotony can be a real issue in the bedroom, as it does in other aspects of our lives, which may lead to frustration, resentment or even infidelity.

So when life is un-interesting and you are really dissatisfied with the drone of work, or life in general, what do you do? Well out of the bedroom, we find new hobbies, join a club or group, do a course, watch movies, party or even try a new look or wardrobe. But excitement, learning and growth shouldn’t be limited to our social, academic or work life. Sex is an area of living that can be just as fun, and adventurous, and still be healthy and safe. Ideally, as a couple you should visit a therapist or sexuality professional, who will assess your intimacy patterns. Identifying how you handle intimacy can indicate how erotic attraction works in your relationship over the long term, meaning, it reveals each person’s willingness and ability to relate sexually. This is then used to determine areas that you need to work on.

Additionally, as a couple, you will need to learn negotiation skills for sexual activity. This will focus on the following five areas:

• Asking for what you want/need

• Setting realistic expectations

• Moving outside of your comfort zone

• Overcoming power struggles

• Compromising

If you’re not quite ready to make that appointment with your sexuality professional (coach, counsellor or therapist), there are a few exciting (but relatively mild) activities that could I would suggest you try, that may actually help to add some spice to your sex life. These would include: A sexier shower time Turn your everyday get-clean routine from humdrum to titillating. Discreet products like vibrating bath sponges and puffs, turn an ordinary loofah into a toy you’ll love. The foam sponge or loofah has a water-proof bullet in it that vibrates, so you’ll increase circulation and exfoliation while making bath time an adventure.

Even if you can’t _ nd these in a store, you can certainly have fun making it! If you’re into small home projects, adding a dual locking handle that holds strong to your shower tiles and a locking footrest that also grips the tiles on your shower wall is another great idea. Together, these two make new wet and wild positions possible! (And the step is also great for shaving legs!).

Sex & Relationship Card Games Sex and relationship card games are fun ways to _ nd out what you and your partner would be comfortable trying. The cards include indirect ways of asking what you always wanted to ask and provide passion-enhancing intimate suggestions that range from mild to wild and from foreplay to intercourse, and everything before and after.

Sexy Coupons Creating sexy coupons for your partner to ‘redeem’ is another way to encourage spontaneous, intimate acts and sexual activity. Your coupons may have the following on them: “I want you to serve dinner in lingerie,” “one erotic massage”, “you get a lap dance today” or maybe even something more risqu?.

As you explore new actions, if your partner proposes an activity that doesn’t quite ‘blow up your skirt’ or ‘drop your jockey,’ so to speak, it’s important to keep communication wide open, honest and non-judgmental. Don’t immediately react with disgust or in any harsh way, and don’t feel obligated to say yes either. Just because you’re asked doesn’t mean you have to agree and though I would encourage thinking outside of the ordinary, you still have to be sure that you are comfortable trying out the new experiences. Try working out a compromise that you and partner would both be happy with.

Don’t pass up the opportunity to take your sex life to the next level. Share and discuss your fantasies with your partner. You may pleasantly surprise each other.

Onika Henry is a Sex Educator and Sex Coach who consults and designs presentations, workshops, training and psycho-educational counselling, to address sexual health concerns.

381-3049 onikahenry@gmail.com