Stand up for Islam

I have many reasons for disbelieving in the existence of the God described by any religion. But a major reason is that, according to every holy text, God has no sense of humour. Me, I figure if an all-powerful Being did exist, it wouldn’t mind being laughed at. Besides, many religious beliefs were clearly invented by somebody with a wicked wit. In this respect, of all the major religions, Islam is definitely the most amusing. Many of the claims Muslims make about their religion make me laugh heartily and, on occasion, with my small intestine too. Such claims range from the utterly absurd (like the Qu’ran having verses about quantum physics) to the merely incorrect (like the Qu’ran having no inconsistencies). So, as Ramadan is nearly upon us, I thought I’d show that Islam does have a sense of humour by putting some of its tenets into a stand-up comedy act. What better way to show that Islam is a religion of tolerance and not one of violence?

“Good evening, ladies and germs. Remember, Islam is a religion of peace, so I hope you checked your bombs at the door, ha ha. Just kidding. Did you hear the one about the Afghan comedian who performed for Osama bin Laden? Osama laughed so hard he had to tell the comedian, ‘Stop, stop, you’re killing me.’ The guy didn’t stop, so the Taliban killed him. Just kidding. He isn’t dead, just in critical condition. “But true Muslims aren’t supposed to kill anybody, although they’re allowed to glare at infidels really really hard. It beats me why those guys in the Taliban thought it was okay to fly airplanes into the World Trade Centre, or why those other guys in the Muslimeen felt they could shoot up the Parliament. “Maybe they didn’t read the Qu’ran or, if they did, maybe they didn’t understand it. But, if that is the case, Allah has to take the blame. As surah 17 verse 46 says, ‘We place upon their hearts veils lest they should understand it, and in their ears a deafness.’ I wonder what he placed in their skulls? Mashed potatoes?

“It was those incidents that led to the war in Iraq, as well as a lot of the violence right here in Trinidad. Sure, Bush and Saddam and Manning and Panday share the blame for that. But the buck stops with Allah. After all, in surah 62, verse eight, it says, ‘Had Allah willed, He could have made them into one community, but Allah brings whom He will into his mercy.’ So I guess Allah doesn’t want Americans and Iraqis to be one community. Maybe it would lead to drainage problems. “Point is, a true believer can’t blame Bush for the occupation of Iraq. Surah 35 verse eight clearly says, ‘Allah sends whom He will astray and guides whom He will.’ And Bush and Blair certainly went astray, while Abu Bakr just looks like a stray. Badaboom! Wow, tough room. But, hey, did you know that the Qu’ran actually starts with a joke? That’s right —  surah one, verse one says, ‘In the name of Allah, the beneficent, the merciful.’ Badaboom! It’s called irony, folks. No, that’s not a vitamin supplement, it means saying one thing but meaning the opposite, like ‘All Ministries are equal.’ Try to keep up, willya?

“So just five verses down, Allah says — wait for it — ‘As for the disbelievers, whether you warn them or not, it is all the same for them. They do not believe. Allah has sealed their ears and their hearts and covered their eyes. Theirs will be an awful doom.’ Ha ha ha, so much for beneficence and mercy, right? That Allah, what a card. As the Qu’ran says, ‘Lo! Allah has cursed the disbelievers and prepared for them a flaming fire, wherein they will abide forever.’ Guess I better dress for warm weather! “Talking about irony, Muslims always say that Islam respects women — don’t laugh. Gee, you all don’t have to be that obedient! But I don’t see a lot of women here tonight. I suppose that’s because they’re at the back of the room, behind the sheet. Me, I love surah four verse 33: ‘Men are in charge of women,’ it says. Now if only I could convince a couple of those Sunday Punch girls to embrace Islam... And Allah tells us men how to treat women in the same verse: ‘From those whom you fear defiance, scold them and banish them to a separate bed and whip them.’ Of course, this was written before high-heeled leather boots were invented.

“As for equality, surah four verses 11 and 12 say that the male child shall inherit twice as much property as the female ones. Which brings me to the claim that Muslims often use as proof that the Prophet Muhammad was inspired by God: that the Qu’ran has no errors. Ha ha ha. No, but seriously, that’s not the real proof. “The real proof is that when you work out the arithmetic of that law, plus the one in surah four, verse 176, it adds up to 15/12 of the estate. Now that seems like an error, but actually it isn’t. After all, if Jesus could feed five thousand people with five loaves and two fish, Allah can easily defy addition. He’s that all-powerful, you see, and that’s your proof! “Now, although I haven’t said anything tonight that isn’t supported by the Qu’ran, some of you might still want to get on as though this is an Islamic state. But you better remember that the Prophet Muhammad himself said, ‘The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr.’

So just notice how thick my glasses are — that’s from long hours of reading, not what you think. And, if you consider me an infidel or even a demon, Allah himself forbids you to take any action. Surah six, verse 113 says, ‘Thus we have appointed onto every Prophet an adversary — devils of humankind and jinn who inspire in one another plausible discourse through guile. If your Lord willed, they would not do so; so leave them alone in their devising.’ “Clearly, Allah doesn’t approve of guile. So all devout Muslims are guileless. That’s why there are no gay guys in Islam. Badaboom! Get it, get it? Guileless, guyless? Oh, you guys slay me — kidding, kidding! My point is, every obedient Muslim has to leave me alone to devise more ways to make jokes about Islam. So tip your waitress on your way out and reach home safely, avoiding any major American landmarks.” 
E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
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