Dr Kevin’s easy prescriptions

Now that Xmas is nearly here, I have been thinking about ways to make some extra money in a short space of time.

My problem is, all the usual get-rich-quick schemes are closed to me. I could become a pastor, but I find it difficult to talk as though I have a hot potato in my mouth. I could become a radio talkshow host, but I am completely unqualified because of my ability to speak in grammatical sentences. I could become a racist, but am disqualified by my naturally curly hair. And then I thought: Why not become a quack? Here are all these herbalists, reflexologists, naturopaths, holistic healers and so on, all of them apparently making a mint by fooling people. But, not being a member of MPATT, I have medical ethics, so I cannot take advantage of ordinary citizens. On the other hand, there are certain unordinary citizens who are clearly in dire need of my services and who are themselves free of any ethical challenges. Since all these persons have oodles of money, I thought I would give them my advice free in the hope that they would contribute a little something to my bank account. I’ll even go so far as to write their queries for them. Yep, that’s the kind of great service you get from Dr Kevin — which alone tells you that I’m not a real doctor.

Dear Dr Kevin:
Lately, I have been feeling as though I am always in a fog. A black one. I first started feeling this way two years ago, when my husband decided I needed Education after I failed my examinations. Getting Education has been a very useful experience, because I now know what the plural of “breakfast” is, although I still cannot pronounce it. One of my Education consultants and dearest friends tells me that fog is manufactured by Indian fog-light makers, who want to sell their product by fogging up African people. Can you help?
Yours truly,
Mrs Patrick


Dear Mrs P:
The best way to dispel fog is by blowing really hard. So, if you follow your husband’s lead as a good wife should, you should become a blowhard in no time at all.



Dear Dr Kevin:
I have a serious problem which I hope you can offer a prescription for. I suffer from a jinx. It occurs every four years. At this time, the company for which I work starts to have its equipment damaged, get bomb threats, and one time itching powder mysteriously affected those employees who refused to strike. One born-again Christian has tried to help me by speaking in tongues, mainly forked, but I am not sure if this has removed the jinx, which very coincidentally happens every time I am due to get a pay increase.
Sincerely,
Lyle Townsayso


Dear Lyle:
Once you get an exorbitant increase, I am sure your jinx will stop affecting the company which you clearly value so highly. And once the company gets some competition, rest assured that the jinx will vanish forever.



Dear Dr Kevin:
Lately, I have begun to suffer from a problem which would be embarrassing if I had any shame. From the time I was a boy and realised how incredibly bright I was, I started sticking my head in the refrigerator in order to be a bulb, since my mother was too poor to afford a fridge with a light. This habit I continued in adult life in order to cool my enormous brain, but now I find that the constant putting of my head in the crisper has left me with a frozen smile. When I don’t smile, I look like a hypocritical, bigoted, megalomaniacal conman. When I do smile, I look exactly the same, but with plaque. Could you give me a simple method of getting rid of the plaque?
Yours truly,
Professor Seldom Comejoe


Dear Professor:
Do not try to get rid of your plaque. Instead, hang it on a wall. Not only will it make an interesting conversation piece but, if you invite enough stupid women to your apartment and get them really drunk, you may even be able to change your first name to Often.



Dear Dr Kevin:
I suffer from an extremely black bottom. For most of my life, I have hidden this ill with trousers and a British accent. However, a racial book reviewer pointed out the grammatical mistakes of my latest self-published bestseller, thus showing people that my British accent was fake. Now people have also begun to question the true complexion of my derriere (I also use a French accent, moreso as I’ve got older). What should I do or, put another way, have done?
Sincerely thine,
Sir “Umbambam” Joseph Esq


Dear Umbambam:
Yours is indeed an interesting case but, fortunately, not difficult. Just take off your trousers and stand on your head. I doubt anyone will notice the difference.



Dear Dr Kevin:
I have been unable to sleep lately because I am staying awake worrying about neo-pagans. These are people who are just like pagans, but with better haircuts. They do not wear much clothes and while, like pagans, they have sex outside Christian marriage, they are even worse than pagans because they do so with condoms. Please tell me how I can get these pagans to stop using condoms so that, if they do commit the sin of fornication, they will die from AIDS and leave only good Christians to inherit the Earth. I have been praying to God to send a drug-resistant virus small enough to penetrate condoms, but He is taking His own good time and, meanwhile, I am losing sleep.
Gilbert Sullivan

Dear GS:
According to Michael Jackson and your own tradition, sleeping with small boys makes for a restful night. However, I would advise sleeping pills instead. Take one whole bottle and call me in the morning.
E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
Website:www.caribscape.com/baldeo-singh.

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