YOU DON’T HAVE TO KILL YOUR WIFE

I have had the opportunity to work with many bitter and angry men who saw the murder or murder-suicide “option” as the only way out. Today, however, their loud and consistent message: “You don’t have to kill your wife!”

Within recent years, men seem to have taken on a new “fashion” in terms of dealing with domestic problems, involving their spouses. Murder or murder-suicide appears to have become the “solution” of choice. How this act can be viewed as any kind of solution is beyond me. When a wife is murdered, the husband quite evidently compounds his problems (and those of his family) a million times over. In the case of murder-suicide, the husband sees the wife as deserving of death because of her supposed evil deeds. But the strange irony is that he also inflicts upon himself the very same punishment (death) although he sees himself as being the innocent party! Obviously, his behaviour makes absolutely no sense.

Then there is the spiritual side, which can never be escaped. As sure as we exist, every person shall give account of his deeds before his Maker in judgement after death. “Thou shall not kill,” remains a firmly fixed commandment from God (Ex 20:13). “All murderers (including those who kill self — suicide) shall be cast into the lake of fire called hell” (Rev 21:8). Even if we don’t believe it that does not change this fact (Rom 3:3). The point is irrespective of the angle from which we take our view, killing one’s wife (or husband) or murder-suicide as a means of handling marital conflict is completely senseless. The fatal is foolish!

I have had the opportunity to work with many bitter and angry men who saw the murder or murder-suicide “option” as the only way out. Today, however, their loud and consistent message is: “You don’t have to kill your wife!” From a cause-cure perspective, let’s take a look at some key factors which can make a  marriage violence-free.

Sanctity of marriage: When a couple acknowledges that marriage is ordained by God and therefore each party is directly accountable to Him, there is a huge difference in how they treat with challenging issues affecting the union. Matters such as adultery and other types of infidelity also become a much smaller risk. Spiritual counsel is made a priority in the marriage and is revered and honoured. The so-called common-law marriage is usually more prone to violence. One reason is that sanctity is absent. It’s based on fornication and/or adultery.

Lust vs Love: Many marriages are birthed out of the soap opera model. The attracting force is lust (of the flesh) not love (God is love - I Jn 4:16). Lust is carnal, selfish and based merely upon self gratification. Love is the exact opposite. Because of the carnal or corrupt nature of lust, bitterness and violence become natural by-products.

Conflict resolution: Conflict is inevitable in marriage. There will be times of disagreement, disappointment and anger. Here is where virtues such as tolerance, temperance and forgiveness will come in. When we replace our anger, rage and disappointment with love, temperance and forgiveness, we do the greatest service to our conflict resolution strategy. Admitting error or failure, especially after we have insisted that we were right, is always hard on the ego, particularly in the case of men. But just putting petty pride aside and humbly admitting our error, apologising or saying sorry in a spirit of humility, will work wonders in resolving a conflict.

Counsel: There is pre-marital and post- marital counsel. Pre-marital counsel goes for a relatively short duration — perhaps some months before marriage. Post-marital counsel, however, is a lifetime affair. We must all remember that usually somebody else has the answer to our problems/needs. The child may have an educational need, for which the schoolteacher has the answer. The patient may have a health problem, for which the doctor has the solution. You may have marital problems, for which the counsellor has the solution. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to seek competent counsel. It may save your marriage — and your life! “Without counsel, purposes are disappointed” (Prov 15:22).

Unrealistic expectations: For some very strange reason, partners in marriage seem to expect each other to be perfect in terms of absolute fidelity and similar matters. When this unreasonable expectation is not met, there is deep disenchantment, which would usually lead to irrational behaviour, including serious acts of violence. In a healthy marriage, there is room for possible error, correction and forgiveness on both sides.

Over-possessiveness: There is a degree of possessiveness which comes with true love. Nevertheless, the state of over-possessiveness and selfishness will certainly yield trouble. The essence of marriage is giving, not getting. The over-possessive spirit is exposed in expressions such as: “If I can’t have you, nobody will.” “If you try to leave, I will kill you and kill myself.” “If you try to get a restraining order against me, that’s the end of you!”

Marriage was designed by God to represent a beautiful emblem of love and fruit-bearing. His original intent is that each partner serves the other in fulfilling God-ordained purpose. There is no reason for this beautiful divine design to be otherwise. With your marriage in the hand of the Master, you can live happily ever after! You don’t have to abuse or kill your wife; you can love her with an everlasting love!