Praying twenty questions

In magazine interviews, there are 20 standard questions which the interviewees, usually celebrities, give answers to. Although I don’t write for magazines, I thought Newsday’s readers might find it interesting if I interviewed the greatest celebrity of all: God. The problem was, I couldn’t get His telephone number: not only is TSTT so inefficient that they haven’t been able to fix my phone since last December, but they don’t even have a listing for the Supreme Being. And, weirdly enough, neither did any of those Christian, Hindu or Muslim clerics who always claim to be speaking of behalf of God.

But that didn’t phase me. None of these religious spokesmen is a towering intellect, nor do they have naturally curly hair. So, if all of them can speak to God and always hear exactly what they want to hear, I figured that I should also be able to do so, too. And that’s exactly what I did. You might think I made up the answers but in fact - or, rather, in faith - I was able to get actual answers from God: all three of Him. To speak to Allah, I learned Arabic, sacrificed a small goat, and prayed. To speak to Bhagavan, I became a vegetarian, sacrificed some red hibiscus, and prayed. To speak to Yahweh, I shouted “Hallelujah!”, sacrificed one-tenth of my salary, and prayed. These are the answers I got to my prayers: and no believer can tell me that I didn’t hear what I heard. After all, I swear by God.

1. Your greatest joy?
Bhagavan: Incarnating — but I can stop any time I want.
Allah:  Getting men to prostrate themselves.
Yahweh: Testing the faith of the faithful.

2. Your secret fear?
Bhagavan: That I might incarnate as Hanuman and get stuck.
Allah: Sexual attraction between men and women. It leads to disobedience. That’s why I keep the women covered and make the men bow before Me.
Yahweh: That one of those damned scientists might do a statistical study on how many prayers actually get answered.

3. The best advice you ever received and from whom?
Bhagavan: “Let the gurus do all the work.” Guatama Buddha, who just wanted to sit under his tree.
Allah: “Promise that martyrs will get 72 virgin wives in Paradise — it’s a great motivator.” Dr Ruth.
Yahweh: “Write a book.” Lucifer, just before he fell.

4. Your most embarrassing moment?
Bhagavan: When I forgot to materialise a gold watch for Sai Baba and he was caught on videotape palming it.
Allah: When the Prophet Muhammad made a nine-year-old girl his fourth wife. Luckily, my followers are very good at rationalisation and very bad at rationality.
Yahweh: When Darwin published Origin of Species. Made a liar out Me and all my loudest spokesmen, who still continue lying to this day.

5. Your happiest moment?
Bhagavan: When I created ghee.
Allah: I’m happy every time there are large explosions that kill infidels.
Yahweh: When my son was conceived. Forget that propaganda about a virgin birth.

6. The biggest turn on in a woman?
Bhagavan: A large dowry.
Allah: I did not create women to turn on. I created them to do housework and make children so men would have more time to bow down to Me.
Yahweh: Obedience to her husband. It’s in my book.

7. The biggest turn off?
Bhagavan: Disobeying her father, brothers, and husband.
Allah: Not covering herself till you can’t tell whether she’s a female or a small tent.
Yahweh: A woman who thinks she’s equal to a man. I specifically said otherwise in my book.

8. The part of your body you like most?
Bhagavan: I have so many bodies, it’s hard to choose.
Allah: The torso — it’s so convenient for strapping on explosives.
Yahweh: Jesus. Although the Holy Ghost is cool, too, especially for making people talk in tongues.

9. The body part you would change if given the chance?
Bhagavan: Those extra arms as Mother Lakshmi — that’s just weird.
Allah: The clitoris. Luckily, quite a few of my followers take care of that.
Yahweh: The brain. It stops people worshipping Me, which is why I have so many verses against it in My book.

10. The best book you ever read?
Bhagavan: The Three Faces of Eve. I really identified.
Allah: The Qu’ran. Nearly every surah says how wonderful I am.
Yahweh: Conversations with God. I couldn’t stop laughing.

11. On a second chance, what would be your dream profession?
Bhagavan: A master of disguise.
Allah: I wouldn’t mind being a nuclear bomb in a major American city.
Yahweh: Tax collector.

12. The thing most people do not know about you?
Bhagavan: I once incarnated as Bunji Garlin.
Allah: I love Liberace.
Yahweh: You know about the seventh day? Well, actually, I’m still resting.

13. Your pet peeve?
Bhagavan: Social climbers.
Allah: Men who don’t bow.
Yahweh: Condoms. Spoils one of my best plagues.

14. Your favourite food?
Bhagavan: Poverty — it increases devotion to Me.
Allah: Men’s flesh, preferably roasted in dynamite.
Yahweh: Lamb, of course.

15. The woman you most admire, apart from your mother/spouse?
Bhagavan: Only mothers deserve admiration.
Allah: Any woman who doesn’t protest being stoned to death, once she’s done something to deserve it, like exposing her ankles.
Yahweh: Mary Magdalena. She was hot! That’s why I saved her from being stoned.

16. Your secret personality weapon?
Bhagavan: Schizophrenia — why do you think I incarnate so much?
Allah: I find sheer terror works for Me.
Yahweh: Making extravagant promises, like eternal bliss.

17. Your personal credo?
Bhagavan: “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try and try and try again.”
Allah: “Don’t think, just obey.”
Yahweh: “Money talks.”

18. Your irresistible temptation?
Bhagavan: Cow’s milk offered to my murtis.
Allah: Men bowing before me.
Yahweh: Cash, but I don’t refuse cheques.

19. The one place you’d like to visit?
Bhagavan: A Hall of Mirrors.
Allah: Hell, to laugh at all those fun-loving people who didn’t listen to me.
Yahweh: Bill Gates’ safe.

20. Your most elusive goal?
Bhagavan: Indians don’t play football.
Allah: I don’t allow football — can’t have men hugging in public.
Yahweh: Contrary to what they think, I don’t actually help players win football matches.

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
Website: www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh