Real police reports

I have made up the following police reports. But, while they are not genuine, they are true. Many police reports, as everyone knows, are frequently the opposite.

Report # 11114819 — While patro-lling a popular rumshop, we observed four men exiting the forest from an area where there was no Exit sign. Having recently completed our training in the Police Service, our training was very fresh in our brains (and we had as many as three brains amongst the five of us). We thus because suspicious of these men, who were all wearing non-brand jeans and clearly had not shaved that morning. On observing closely, we saw that one of the men was carrying a gun which he had recently used to commit a murder.

We were able to deduce that he was a murderer because he had blood on his hands. We called on the men to freeze, and even threw them some ice-cubes from our rum-and-cokes. Three of the men obeyed, but the fourth suspect lifted his firearm and pointed it at us, so we shot him in self-defence. On closer examination, we found that the suspect had not been carrying a gun, but four dead agoutis. We were not able to find the weapon, but we did note that one of the agoutis bore a strong resemblance to a Colt 44. Also, it was not hunting season so all these men were criminals as we had originally deduced.

Signed,
Corporals D. O. Tish and S. Y. Cotic

Report # 202020 – While on court duty, we observed a TV cameraman behaving in a strange manner. As he attempted to film a police officer who had been set up on corruption charges, the cameraman began kicking himself in the backside. When we instructed him to desist, he ignored us and instead began ripping his own shirt. Thinking he might listen to a woman, we requested the wife of the police officer to ask the cameraman to stop attacking himself. When she did so, he flung his camera at her, causing serious damage to the road. We then charged the cameraman for attempted assault and destruction of public property.

Signed,
Lt  M.  Y.  Opic

Report # 71125145 — While patrolling a well-known crime area in order to prevent heinous and illegal activities, we arrested a suspect on suspicion of being black with expensive sneakers. Suspect attempted to resist arrest by beating himself on the head with a baton. As we attempted to reason with the suspect, other black people gathered and began using obscene language, which is a criminal offence.
As police officers trained in zero tolerance, we knew that allowing minor infractions of the law leads to drug-trafficking, rape and murder.

We therefore attempted to shut up the person using the worst obscenities, who happened to be the wife (not a real wife, but a common-law one) of the suspect, by firing a warning shot. Unfortunately, because she opened her big mouth so big, the bullet entered it. When we attempted to give her medical attention, we were delayed by the crowd which began to sing Baptist hymns. It is this delay which contributed to the woman’s death. The officers involved, being professionals who are committed to serve and protect, are quite willing to seek out every member of the crowd and charge them for gathering without a permit.

Signed,
Sgt Itchy Triggerfinger.

Report # 23965 — At nine pm  Corporal Badge Number 11919 came on duty and asked for a gun to threaten his wife. However, smelling alcohol on his breath, I said he would have to beat her in the usual way. He thanked me for my good advice and I said, “You welcome.” An hour later, he returned and asked me for a gun again. I asked him if he had beat his wife and he said, “Yes.” I did not smell alcohol on his breath, even though he tried to kiss me. I therefore gave him a gun, and you can imagine my surprise when he shot his wife right in the station. This was bad enough, but despite the close range he also failed to kill her. Corporal Badge Number 11919 was clearly a poor officer, who could not shoot to save his life. However, he did redeem himself by shooting himself in the head, which meant that there were very few brains to clean up.

Signed,
Sgt  M. I.  Sogynist

Report # 1109511 — Last Saturday, I was called to investigate the disappearance of a young boy at a birthday party. Observing that the premises had a pool, my detective training immediately led me to order a Mai Tai. Unfortunately, the bartender had already left. A close inspection of the pool revealed nothing untoward. However, my view was partially obscured by a large wad of cash which one of the adults present assured me they had seen drop from my pocket. Accepting this eyewitness testimony, as a good detective must, I then questioned the guests over beers and barbecue chicken. We also played a few rounds of All-Fours and I hanged jack seven times.

This liming technique, which I had learned in my detective training, was intended to make the suspects trust me. My ploy was a success, and  they invited me to their Old Year’s Fete. That the boy’s body was found in the pool the next day shows that he was alive when he disappeared. The discovery of semen in his anus proves that the boy was homosexual. The Bible says homosexuality is an abomination, so I deduce that the boy found the Lord and drowned himself in remorse at having sinned against Jesus. Even so, I have continued my investigations. When I went to the Old Year’s Fete, I checked the swimming pool again and, this time, I did get a Mai Tai.

Signed,
Inspector C. O.  Verup

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