An anti-abortion manual

Anyone who has been following the abortion debate in the media would have noticed one glaring fact: that most of the persons on the pro-choice side are more intelligent, more personable, and more attractive than most of the persons on the anti-abortion side. This, of course, gives the pro-choice side an unfair advantage in the battle to have abortion legalised, which is hardly compensated for by the enormous wealth, social clout, and pusillanimous politicians that the anti-abortionists have in their corner. So, since I hate advantage, I have written this short manual to which all anti-abortionists can refer in order to know (1) whether they are suitable candidates in the battle against abortion; (2) what arguments they can use against abortion; and (3) whether it is morally right to mock a corbeaux.

The first and foremost qualification of the anti-abortionist is this: Hate women, especially poor women. The true anti-abortionist does not consider women to be intelligent enough to know what is best for themselves, nor moral enough to make decisions about their own bodies. Being a celibate man makes you more authoritative about women than women themselves. This is why Fr Gerald Farfan can insist that, even when a pregnant woman may die if she carries to term, the foetus must not be aborted. Mind you, Farfan is going against Vatican policy is holding this position, but he is at the same time adhering to a much older tradition of the Catholic Church, in which misogyny trumps morality any day of the week and barbecues lamb on Sundays. But the superior Christian model to follow in this respect is surely Pastor Winston Cuffie, not merely because of his white three-piece suits with matching cowboys boots, but because he wants women who go to public hospitals bleeding from botched abortions to be arrested and charged. Cuffie also describes the pro-choice lobby as promoting “lies, hypocrisy, treachery”: and he is well-qualified to make this judgment, since his title of “Dr” was obtained by purchasing his PhD from a non-accredited university.

Which brings us to a crucial requirement of the committed anti-abortionist: Lack of Principle. As a person opposed to the legalisation of abortion, you must claim that your core principle is the sanctity of human life. Never giggle while making this claim, even if you’re like Catholic letter-writer Joan Moore, who is against abortion but not against the death penalty. Thus, while your commitment to defending life must lead you to march and write to the newspapers, you needn’t take the slightest action against capital punishment. After all, why waste ink or shoe leather or perspiration on convicted murderers? So, though you must always vehemently claim otherwise, your core principle as an anti-abortionist must be to Devalue Human Life. Being a member of the Inter-Religious Organisation is extremely useful in this regard, since religious believers have always been able to use their faith to defend oppression, cruelty, and bad fashion sense. Asserting that “respect for human life is recognised as an imperative from conception to natural death”, the IRO thus dismisses consciousness, emotions, and the capacity for moral judgement as necessary attributes of being human. In similar fashion, Fr Henry Charles, in a recent address to doctors, asserted that having a genetic blueprint is sufficient definition of humanness.

But since 30 to 50 percent of all zygotes spontaneously abort after conception, does that make God a serial killer or just indecisive? Should women who have miscarriages be charged for manslaughter? And why call it “lipstick” if it doesn’t keep women’s mouths shut? It is only possible to avoid such contradictions if you Abandon Logic and, like Maha Sabha propagandist Devant Parsuram Maharaj, argue instead from mysticism, Hindu scriptures and a stomach which looks due last month. But you must not only abandon logic, you must also abandon arithmetic. So Violet D’Ornellas says women should not have an abortion but should bring the babies to Catholic Church’s adoption centres. Since there are about 19,000 abortions per year in Trinidad and Tobago, following this injunction would mean that the Catholic Church would have to take in about 50 babies every day — and take care of them for at least a year. But, if the Church actually puts its money where its mouth is, it might not be able to afford wine and wafers or payoffs to the victims of paedophile priests: and how would people’s souls be saved then? In order to avoid facing such practical questions, therefore the anti-abortionist must Be Innumerate.

Being innumerate, however, is only one aspect of the larger principle that the committed anti-abortionist must adopt: Deny reality. Such denial allows you to make the most absurd arguments without blushing, shuffling your feet, or making a noise like an expiring cockroach. Unfortunately, since the pro-choice camp has reason and fact on their side, it is necessary that the anti-abortionist make up facts to bolster their case. Such ‘facts’ range from women who have abortions having shorter life spans, more psychological problems, and more breast cancer. It does not matter that none of this is true: lying is okay in order to save a foetus. (See Hate Women and Lack of Principle.) Once you adopt all these principles, you will be well-qualified to join the battle against reform of our archaic and impractical abortion law. You will thus be doing your part to ensure that every woman who does have an abortion will be a criminal and that those women too poor to go to private doctors will also be at great risk of permanent injury or even death. You will also be allowed to mock corbeaux, once you don’t actually peck dead dogs. And remember: you do not have to be cruel, ignorant, or rebarbative in order to oppose abortion — but it helps.

E-mail:
kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
Website:
www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh