EVERY T’IEF AN’ FAKE

Good afternoon, Independence Guests. Welcome to Trinidad and Tobago. My name is Miss Liberty. I was selected to be your guide during your visit to one of our two national awards ceremony because I am the essence of political, physical and ethnic correctness. I also speak good English and I pray. I am pleased to inform you that we have landed at Piarco International Airport. We the people of these two islands — one a Warden, the other a Ward — are very proud of our new airport because it is now ranked number four among the world’s top 10 mysteries of construction. It has even been the genesis of a new national game we play called, “Guess how much the airport really cost.” VIPs in this country such as visitors like yourselves or our big boys are not required to go through the usual Customs and Immigration process. It is normal thus, for Trinis to show their gratitude for this courtesy by tipping these caring officials at ports of entry. I’m sorry I don’t know what the current gratuity is for bringing in black market items such as rice, guns and illegal drugs, but I’m sure it’s higher than the tip for an extra carton of cigarettes.
 
For most of the journey into Port-of-Spain, we will be travelling along the Priority Bus Route. Unfortunately, we do not have permission to drive along this road, as someone in the organising committee forgot to apply for a pass. What we will be doing is illegal, but as we say here, every cloud takes silver liming and since Trinis regularly use the Priority illegally, I see this pass slip-up as God’s way of arranging for you to see how our people are free to decide which laws to obey and which not. If you are worried about being stopped by police, don’t be. If per chance we come upon some officers of the law, just give them all the ice they demand and do not tell them we are headed to a party because this might cause their guns to go off accidentally and should anyone be shot, the nearest hospital is in Havana, Cuba.

Do not be alarmed if en route to President’s House you notice Trinidad appears to be under some water. There is a mere mirage as all our governments have a foolproof way of managing flooding: they worry about the rising water for half the year and allow developers to shave the hills the other half. At any rate, no one’s cocktail shoes are in danger of damage as none of you will be disembarking until we arrive at President’s House. Getting off the bus is not permitted, not because you run the high risk of being murdered, kidnapped, raped or mugged, but because we must arrive at the ceremony on time so you don’t lose your reserved seats. I’m not saying that crime isn’t kinda bad in TT, but just look at Iraq! And we do not have as many criminals living here as the unpatriotic media claim. What we have is deadly serious community leaders. I also wish to take this opportunity to dispel the nasty rumour circulating that we are a corrupt people. This lie has been fabricated by our Caribbean neighbours who envy our inter-personal skills, our ability to work magic with numbers and our deep philosophical belief that everyman has his price. It is a falsehood akin to the myth that the middle class here is shrinking, the gap between rich and poor growing.   
 
Before it slips me, I must warn you that there are certain words that you must not use during your time here. Freedom of expression is right number eight enshrined in our Constitution, but freedom of religious belief comes in at number seven and therefore, preference has to be given under the law to those who would praise “God” before those who would tell you “go to the devil.” The good news is that the majority of the words which are blacklisted are sexual. Sex is something most citizens in Trinidad and Tobago are doing, but will never admit to enjoying. Modesty is one of our national mottos. So, please, never, ever use the four-letter word beginning with “f” because you will be arrested for corrupting the public’s morals, even though most of the public is rumoured to already be corrupt and is said to hear, use or do this word everyday. 

I must also ask you not to seek a logical dialogue on abortion during your stay for this will incite our people into writing hundreds of letters to newspapers and into using the banned four-letter word. I’m not suggesting abortions do not take place here everyday, but we feel that abortion is a topic best left in the ghetto or in upper class clinics, except for when we are showing bloody anti-abortion films in Woodford Square. Condom use is also an unpopular topic. You may wax warm about the death penalty- unless you’re an abolitionist. It’s a pity you have come this year because by next year we are hoping to go public with our hangings, to Woodford Square. We are going to have them properly organised so patrons will be able to wine to soca and chutney, drink their beer and eat their bake and shark as men swing from the gallows. We are a 2020 nation; you know, forward thinking and always ready to display our talent and entrepreneurship.

A quick word about award ceremony protocol. If introduced to the Prime Minister, please call him “Father of the Nation, according to God’s will.” Do not mention the name Hazel in any context that can be construed as negative such as a comment about the poor quality of hazelnuts. Another “h’ word to be avoided is “heart,” as the state of the PM’s heart is not discussed publicly: the MPs around him might hear the conversation and start having unholy ambitions. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Please, pay no heed to the controversy surrounding the name of the main award, the Trinity Cross. It’s no big deal. We are traditionalists here. An Independence Day must have its bacchanal. That’s why we’ve never bothered to give the big prize a generic, non-religious name such as the Order of Trinidad and Tobago.

After the formal part of the proceedings is done, you will be served hors d’oeuvres of fried cassava, accompanied by a local sauce made especially for foreign palates since it is quite bland and does little for food. We call it the Montano Mild. A fireworks display outside President’s House will follow “dinner.” Because we are an environmentally conscious people, we ask gun toting citizens living in the surrounding hills to use this time to fire their weapons so noise pollution is limited and they are so patriotic they usually comply. One last thing. I’m about to hand out a sheet. On it you will see the words of our national anthem. I’ll sing it once for you to hear the tune:
“Forged from the love of gluttony
In the fires of hate and despair
With not a thought for our destiny,
We selfishly declare,
Side against side we band
We time now in the Caribbean sun
This our Native Land?
We pledge our lives to none.
Here every t’ief and fake finds a welcome place
And to hell with the Nation
Here every t’ief and fake finds an equal place
And to hell goes the Nation.”

By the way folks, don’t forget to wish Trinidad and Tobago a Happy Birthday. We’re very proud of what we’ve accomplished in the past four decades. Talk over, time to fete!

suz@itrini.com