Prayers for everybody

If you continually call a man and leave messages for him but he never returns your calls, there are only four conclusions you can logically make: 1. He doesn’t want to talk to you. 2. He cannot talk to you. 3. He is missing or dead. 4. You’re way too obsessed with this man. When it comes to God and bogus feminists, however, logic flies out the window. After all, every day all around the world, millions of people pray to God and have been doing so for thousands of years. Yet, up to now, the world remains unimproved by prayer. Why is this? My own conclusion is that God doesn’t exist. But I may be wrong. It may be that God exists but doesn’t answer prayers: in which case, it is still useless to pray to him.

Or it may be that God is also answering the prayers of people who pray for bad things: in which case good people should not worship such a God. Or it may be that most of the people who pray to God don’t really pray for the things they should be praying for. With this last possibility in mind, and with the National Day of Prayer carded for Sunday, I have decided to write the following prayers for the appropriate people.  All of them will be voicing entirely different prayers, of course, but I suspect what I have written will be truly in their hearts: and since I’m being very specific, anyone who gets offended had better check their garden.

Prayer for pecuniary pastors:
Our Father, which art in my multi-million-dollar church and nobody else’s, Hallowed be Thy name, as long as it’s my name on the cheques.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on Earth, as it is in Heaven
And I will tell worshippers exactly what Thy will is: To give me this day their daily bread, preferably in notes of large denominations, And forgive us our debts, or instruct my congregation to pay them off, And lead us not into temptation, save for white cowboy boots, Spacewagons and bogus PhDs:
For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory,While my church is fully air-conditioned.

Prayer for hypocritical Hindus:
O Bhagavan, I your humble devotee do fix my mind on You, that I may attain the Godhead or, if that is not possible, the God little toe. I beseech You, O Krsna, not to reincarnate me as a lice but, if you do, do not put me in a Rastafarian’s dreadlocks but let me live in the straight hair of a good Hindu child.
Use Your limitless power, O Brahma, to give more Indians national awards. I offer burnt offerings to You, O Vsnu, so that dem Creole will have to thank us for stopping hurricanes. But most of all, O Bhagavan, I pray to You to make people forget that our Head Brahmin publishes a newspaper with rude photographs of young women. Om Shanti Shanti and a bottle of rum.

Prayer for ossified Orisas:
O Ogun, give our youth African names so murders in Laventille will cease. O Oludamare, dress all African men in dashikis so we may become well-educated.
O Eshu, dress our women in kinte cloth with large headwraps, so they will not be skettels. We call on the ancestors to show us the way forward, as they have shown our kinsmen back in Africa — well, except for those who have become Muslim and Christian because of conquest and colonialism which of course ruined the continent — so that we may regain the glories of ancient Egypt.

Prayer for anal Anglicans:
The Lord is my matador; I shall fear no bull.
He maketh out in the green pastures, and occasionally in a hotel room; He restoreth my soul, and did a pretty good job on my decorative eaves too.
He leadeth me in the path of heterosexuality, for His name’s sake, (Thank Heaven He isn’t named Ru Paul.)
But I will fear no bulls: for Thou are with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me, oh yeah baby.
Thou preparest cable before me: but Queer as Folk is an abomination!
Thou anointest my head with oil: and it doth feel sooo good....

Prayer for medieval Muslims:
Bismillaahir Rahmananir Rahiim! In the name of the Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful. Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds, be Beneficent enough to give us our own cable channel that we might teach young men to wear bombs, with matching Air Jordans.
Allah alone we worship, but we’re willing to put a fatwa on anyone who mocks the Prophet Muhammad. Thee alone we ask for help, except when we need medical treatment or laptop computers, in which case we readily turn to the Western infidels.
Show us the straight path, the path of whom Thou hast favoured, like those who behead infidels, stone women to death for horning, and blow up schoolchildren.
Not the path of those who earn Thy anger, like those who believe in free speech, free fashion, and free menus.

Prayer for callous Catholics:
Blessed are the poor in spirit: once they give enough money to keep the Church rich.
Blessed are they that mourn: especially for stem cells.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall not protest when priests sodomise small boys.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for righteousness is exclusively Catholic, since everybody else has only imperfect knowledge of God.
Blessed are the merciful: once they don’t show mercy to poor women by supporting reform of the abortion law.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall blame condoms and pornography for the spread of HIV.
Blessed are the peacemakers: who will vote for Bush and not Kerry. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: but cursed are all those who the Church persecuted.

Email:kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
Website: www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh