FOOLS RUSH IN

For someone to mention the ‘M’ word to me at the fragile age of 20 is like telling me my life will be guided, by the “Big Six,” in journalism. What were you invited to? Where is it that you are going? Who is going to watch the children? When will you be back? How long do you expect to be gone? Why are there other men invited? Let me put it into male lingo, “Ok! Your life is over. You may seek permission from me to lime with your best friend, but make sure you answer the phone every half an hour. Food is the main priority when I get home, and the children are yours to nurture. In other words, the romance used to be sweet but a man’s got to eat. Welcome to the heavenly world of holy matrimony.” The change from traditional to modern society has increased today’s emphasis on love as the basis for marriage. However, love can be portrayed as a dangerous emotion that can end in tragedy.

Historically in works such as Shakespeare’s Othello, the suspicions of marriage being kept safe by love, were shattered by a sliver of jealousy. Although fictional in content, Desdemona was a young girl, and can represent some truth in the heartbreak of marrying too soon. Before some adolescents can tell the difference between fantasy and reality, they chalk up visions like, “Ooh babies are so cute... my boyfriend and I will be together for ever... why... because he loves me.” Get a grip! Marriage is more than just about love and sex. What about the bills that need to be paid, the jealous mother-in-law, the raising of children, the grouchy husband who comes home from work, and the days when you just feel to be single again? I would have to be brain dead to even consider the frustration of caring for someone else. I might sound selfish, but the truth is, I cannot even take care of myself, hence the use of the phrase, ‘domestically -challenged.’

This got me thinking of two colleagues who got married right after leaving school. One was 16 years old at the time and the other 18. How did they survive? While I was busy being an immature brat, they had settled down and were living happily ever after. Wrong! I went to the wedding of my 16-year-old friend, and things did not look pretty good from where we were sitting. She had an arranged marriage so the question of love need not apply here. But were they really ready for marriage? During the ceremony, there seemed to be a lot of tension in the air. First of all, the groom suffered a breakdown on the altar. He began crying giving the audience of course, the impression that he was having second thoughts. His tears were certainly not tears of joy. Secondly, the priest would ask the most insane question, “Why can’t this couple who are in love, look into each others eyes?” It was terrible; they could not even look each other in the face while saying their vows. To make things worse, at the wedding reception the bride unceremoniously locked herself in a car refusing to come out. I left right after that.

The last time I saw her, she was walking down the street without her wedding ring. I thought she had left it at home because it was too risky these days with bandits. I was wrong again. The ring was apparently too big and heavy for her fragile finger. I smelt the weight of marital frustration. My 18-year-old friend had the real deal, she was absolutely in love. She and her boyfriend were together since she was 14 and he was 19. I could remember her scribbling his name everywhere, and forsaking her maiden name. When they got married I believed they were going to make it. Two years later, and they are separated over some nonsense. Apparently marriage does change some people, especially with the interference of family and friends. She believed he was immature, in a sense that he was unwilling to make things work.

How could a grown man for every little problem, keep running home to his mother? Could it be that he lacked the responsibility and maturity of working things out face-to-face with his wife? Men will always be such little boys. She then gave me the response I knew, that plagued every marriage. This “boy” had some insecurity issues, as well as traits of a “control-freak.” I was upset to learn he did not want her to further her education. He wanted her to remain a step down from him, making sure she would always be dependent. If she ever talked to another man, he would go on a jealousy trip acting all foolish. Mind you, she was not supposed to feel “a how” when he talked with any woman.

He expected her to be a full-time housemaid, waiting hand and foot on him, while she balanced an eight to four job. The worst was a comment he made about her in front of his friends, “If you stay quiet and look pretty, then people would actually think you are smart.” Neanderthal! This is the 21st century, and I would be damned to have any man disrespect my intelligence. Pretty soon after that came the break down in communication, and the total neglect of her needs and feelings. She decided the best thing to do was leave, especially since he encouraged her to move in the first place. She tells me she is still in love with him, and was willing to work things out, as long as he had the understanding that she is his wife, not a puppet. Alas I fear that with many young newlyweds; passion and romance can fade easily, leaving the couple with a lifetime of regret.