Puny penniless alcoholic seeks fat old woman

I was recently challenged by a student on the meaning of the verb to cheat. We were on the subject of school and she was telling me how a friend of hers had done much better than she had in a test because he had smuggled a crib sheet in, placed it in his lap below the desk and referred to it throughout.

“Cheating,” I said.

“No,” she responded with the smirking satisfaction of having outsmarted the teacher. “That means… you cheat on your boyfriend with another boy. Like you kiss somebody else or…” She was right in that that word has come to mean what used to be called “being unfaithful”, a term too cumbersome and uncool for the text generation.

The use of the word “cheat” reached epidemic proportions in the US and then, like the grey squirrel, was introduced to other English- speaking areas and proceeded to take over, sweeping the local population aside.

My explanation that cheating meant generally taking an unfair advantage by devious means was received unwillingly; the student’s understanding of the word had been drummed into her through every dimwitted teenage melodrama series and unhappy, unpleasant depiction of romantic liaisons that seep like glucose into the systems of the young.

She couldn’t offer an alternative single word for the idea of cheating at cards or at school, because I don’t think there is one, but it was hard for her to accept that the term could exist without sexual overtones.

If you examine it in that unfaithfulness context, it doesn’t really match the photofit, because the conventional idea of cheating means achieving success in an area where someone or several people are also trying to succeed.

But, through the laziness that slowly but surely subverts language, this one word has come to be accepted as describing the act of having sex with someone other than one’s partner.

Coincidentally, other words concerning deception have crept into the language in recent years, by way of internet dating sites. Before the internet existed, dating or “matrimonial” agencies would describe clients in plain English, but since the advent of doing it ourselves, those who feel their physical attributes are not what is required have become creative.

It is often a mistake to assume you know what other people are looking for, as a matter of fact. Although most women seem to think most men are looking for a supermodel, if we have imperfections ourselves, we may subconsciously be seeking someone who is also equally flawed and therefore more understanding.

Enter the word “curvaceous”, to describe a woman with an undulating landscape. In the real but unkind world, she is fat, but she’s not going to say that about herself, and there is no conventional adjective that sounds any less critical. Overweight? Not an attractive term. Obese? Only a medical professional or a masochist who actually wants a slap would use the word.

A clear exception to this is the Caribbean use of “thick”, which in the UK means unintelligent but around here, as I understand it, indicates a natural, healthy abundance of flesh.

Just remember, girls, when you describe yourself to an English guy as thick, he’s going to think you’re either very low on self esteem or alarmingly self-deprecating.

A quick look at alternatives produces bulky (too sumo wrestler, very unfeminine), ample (that’s what you say about parking lots) or billowing (which may be more readily associated with sails, but does conjure up a certain excitement about the wellfilled top and skirt).

If we disregard such alternatives, the choice is between calling your body shape “average” and watching the look on your date’s face when he sees the truth, or using the C word: curvaceous. That or the evocative but ridiculous “volumptious”, a hybrid of voluptuous and scrumptious.

The current favourite is the acronym BBW, which can mean big breasted woman, big beautiful woman or even big black woman. Big, anyway. At least your date knows not to expect a stick insect. It’s a shame that body weight should be an issue at all, but people have preferences.

Meanwhile, few men would ever describe themselves as short, so the world must be full of internet dating descriptions claiming “average height”, although to be fair, that varies wildly between countries. While the Dutch, for instance, are unnecessarily tall, take your average frame to Spain and suddenly you’re quite impressive.

With all due respect to the vertically- challenged, to claim averageness when you’re only a shade over 5ft tall is cheating. Actually, no – it’s an attempt at che at ing t h r o u g h just plain lying. And y o u ’ r e n e v e r going to di sgui s e it when you meet in person anyway.