NO is a full sentence

I don’t think as women we know how to say no.

We feel it is our role to be everything to everybody but the truth is we cannot and we only end up losing ourselves in the process. All anyone can ask of us, is that we do the best we can with the circumstances we are given. The rest is just society at large and our own mental scripts beating us down. There is no way we can make everybody happy. Honestly, I’ve stopped trying. I’m not motivated by what others will think of me, I’m too busy trying to _ x my business to be distracted.

One of my favourite new artistes is a young man named Jidenna and in his song Some Kind of Way, he has a lyric: No matter what you say Or where you go or what you do or how you play Somebody’s gonna feel some kind a way About you.

Isn’t that the truth! I can bend over backwards to meet the needs and wants of others and they still won’t be satis_ ed. Devoting your energy to making strangers happy is a real waste. Spend it on your family and friends, or here is a radical idea; how about making yourself happy instead? For all the effort I see some women giving to make a good impression on others I wonder what is the bene_ t. Unless it’s something I can put in my purse or my pot, I can’t be bothered. Many years ago, I read a book on becoming an effective person and the crux of the book is that you categorise things by importance and divide your time and resources accordingly. Things were ranked from one to four in terms of their importance and how urgent they were. In this guava season where women are busy trying to turn dollar bills into rubber bands, being a people pleaser is not important and not urgent.

There was a time in my young adult life when single, debt free and childfree my friends, family and boss felt they had control over my time and many a weekend I was informed that I had been promised for one task or another, or found my cell _ ooded with calls that started, ‘You don’t know me but x, y, or z gave me your number and told me you could help’. For me, in my career at the time, down time and alone time were critical in order to be functional the next day. There is no way I can work day and night and expect to be at my best.

To be on the go all week and then all weekend too (through no fault of my own) was too much. When faced with a lack of respect for the boundaries I set, I would book a hotel room for a weekend, turn off my cellphone and get all the rest I wanted.

Boundaries are another way of saying no to those around you.

It is also important to learn how to say no at work. A pay cheque is not a reason to become a doormat. Yes, everybody has to eat but there is a limit to what a woman should tolerate in the workplace. ‘And other related duties’ is a muchabused line in job descriptions, that employers point to when they are being unreasonable. I have experienced it _ rst-hand. There is give and take and I have in the past, gone way beyond the call of duty for the clients I work with, however I make it clear that this is beyond the scope of duties for the job. A job is a way to earn a living; unless you are an entrepreneur it is not your life. There must be clear boundaries between your work and private life. Be sure you know the duties of your job and what is the industry standard for the post.

Ensure you are well quali_ ed so you have career options and don’t be afraid to say no when you employer crosses the boundaries.

I’m not saying we should all turn into sour prunes and just be running around saying no to everything, even to things that are in your best interest. Far from it. I’m just asking you to think a second or two before you say yes the next time someone crosses your boundaries or asks you a favour or demands something. There is nothing wrong in not being an always accommodating or compliant person and it’s ok to sometimes draw a line in the sand and say this much and no more.

If you really think about it that’s a guaranteed way to be taken for granted and lose yourself and who you are. Don’t keep giving all of yourself, saying yes to everything then wake up one day and say you’ve lost yourself and swing the opposite way.

Balance and reason are good things, don’t let them go.

The whole point of this is to say no is a full sentence on its own. It’s not ‘No, but....’ or ‘No because....’, just no is _ ne. No need for rationalisation, justi_ cation or explanation. No stands on its own and we as women need to learn how to say it without apologising. There’s nothing to be sorry for in protecting your boundaries and putting your foot down. That’s just being smart.