Perfect murders

I don’t plan to commit any heinous crimes in the near future. Indeed, I don’t plan to commit any such crimes in the distant future either but, as David Hume once said, “You never know, you know.” Of course, being a philosopher, he couldn’t just leave it at that, but had to write An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding (originally titled When I Forgot to wear Trousers to Dinner). I specify heinous crimes, because I am already a habitual law-breaker. Hardly a month goes by when I don’t write something that would have gotten me tortured and executed in Catholic Europe three hundred years ago or in any Islamic country today, and which certainly contravenes the present law against blasphemy in Trinidad and Tobago.

And there is a school of thought which says that, if you commit small crimes, like littering, you will eventually become more ambitious and want to rob, rape, murder, maybe even get a medical degree. No doubt that’s why God slew Onan when he spilled his seed on the ground. Had Onan spilled his seed in a dustbin instead, his penis might not have become a lightning rod for the Lord’s wrath Now I don’t litter. But I do lack all respect for laws which I consider senseless so, according to the zero-tolerance gurus, I will eventually move on to more serious crimes. And, under the right circumstances, who knows what we are capable of? Mind you, I cannot conceive the circumstance under which I’d want to rob anybody, although I have thought of tiefing the Integrity Commissioners’ hands: but I couldn’t figure out how to raise their backsides without waking them. I also consider rape a disgusting act, but I have been accused by one self-absorbed female columnist, whose bad prose I mocked, of raping her psychologically: if she gets pregnant and has a split infinitive, though, I’m going to vehemently deny paternity.

As for murder, it is true that I continually try to kill ignorance, but I don’t think my writing so powerful that I am putting radio talkshow hosts in mortal danger. However, if I did want to murder someone and get away with it, it wouldn’t be especially difficult in this place. I am prevented only by my reluctance to dent my new car. I could, perhaps, also become a police officer, but I would probably fail the entrance exam by spelling too many words correctly. I admit that the most effective strategy is closed to me since, in our society, if you really want to commit murder and get away with it, you have to be rich and preferably light-skinned. In that situation, you might not even get arrested. If you’re rich but dark in complexion, you will be arrested but you can always buy or kill off the witnesses, according to what is more cost-effective. It’s also useful to be a Black Muslim, since you get the support of both Allah and Government Ministers.

Unfortunately, I am brown-skinned and completely lacking in financial acumen. But this doesn’t close off my options: in fact, it actually qualifies me for a career in politics. And, if I became a politician, I could hardly avoid killing people. I may not do so intentionally, but that needn’t stop me from appreciating the pleasure of taking human life. And there are so many portfolios to choose from! If I get to be the Attorney General, for instance, I’d be able to hang a convicted murderer, although I might have to do so illegally while his case is being heard by the Privy Council. But who’s going to convict me? And, if I’m really efficient, I can pop nine necks in one weekend. The great advantage here is that I can justify myself by saying that hanging stops crime. It doesn’t matter that all the evidence is against me, because all the religious leaders, businessmen, and media houses will not be. But, if I do ever become psychotic, I don’t think I’d find much satisfaction in executing murderers.

They’re already condemned to death, and I’d much prefer to surprise my victims. So it might be better to become Works Minister since, with just the right level of rainfall and incompetence, I can surely take a few lives within a space of weeks. Not only would I get paid for not doing my job, and not have to resign over my abject failure to perform, but I’d get a free helicopter ride as well. I don’t know if I could stay in Works for long, though: the strain of smiling constantly might cause my cheek muscles to catch cramp. But I could always be the Education Minister instead, although I know that that portfolio would be difficult for me to get since, apart from not being married to the Prime Minister, I actually am educated. The thing is, once I start wanting to kill people, I might get really depraved and murder students. I’d have to be subtle about it, though, because even grassroots PNM or UNC supporters might balk at a child-killing Minister.

But I could ensure that my Ministry teaches youths only about abstinence so that they have a better chance getting HIV-AIDS when they become sexually active. And, since I’ll have the support of both the Pope and George W. Bush, nobody’ll be able to touch me. Of course, no strategy is fool-proof. But, even if I do get caught, I’m not worried. I know that the country’s medical doctors will issue press releases and letters to the editor in my support, suggesting by extension that I could never be party to any murderous act. After all, I have made a significant contribution to my society. Not only have I written novels and thousands of newspaper articles, but I have helped people with naturally curly hair avoid straightening. You might wonder, though, why I don’t expect my fellow journalists to plead on my behalf. The answer’s quite simple, really. Journalists, not being as smart as doctors, think that the law should apply to everyone equally.

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
Website:www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh