‘How are you?’ Really

Many of my examples are based on real experiences gained over a period of time in countries and cultures. As such, as I sit in a lounge in a hotel in the middle of London, I observed an interaction with two separate groups of people, with very different outcomes. The first group greeted each other with the usual pleasantry, and as the other party was about to respond to the question asked - “How are you?” - the person who asked the question continued directly into a conversation. Obviously, the person who was asked about how they were, clearly being very familiar with this manner of interaction, just stood there, without saying a word, and listened for a brief moment before cutting the conversation and making their way out.

The second group, I noted, expressed the same sentiment to each other. This time, each party actually took the opportunity to allow the person to speak to how they were, while listening intently for any additional cues for continued conversation. The experience was shared, as the other party spoke about what was transpiring in their lives, all the while uninterrupted. I was familiar with both groups, hence my ability to share in the observation of interactions.

Though this may seem somewhat insignificant to some, as we have become so familiar with the vacuous sentiments, it is just not good enough. If you are not interested in finding out what’s really happening with someone, then why ask? In this age of social media, I am seeing this played out over and over, where people who have become ‘friends’ on a social media platform, complain on the said platform “we are friends on Facebook, yet you pass me by on the streets.” Really, how many of you can attest to this experience? The point is, many people have established these ‘friendships’ on various media platforms, perhaps expecting that friendship to be on par with the standard definition of friendship. However, in this scenario, a number of issues must be taken into consideration, including, the number of ‘friends’ any one person may have (for example, I have approximately 4,000), the person’s status, the reason for being on various social media platforms, among others. The most important factor I believe, is the definition of ‘friend’ as it relates to these platforms.

One should be very wary and should understand that even though you may share a social media platform with an individual, that does not necessarily make you ‘friends’ - in the real sense of the word. Sometimes relationships may blossom to this, but, in the main, tread lightly.

I mentioned, cultural sensitivity earlier on in this article, and it is important to appreciate the culture within one operates as this also provides a solid guide for the response to this question. In Hungary, for example, when one is asked “how are you?” this is seen as a genuine request to know more about your well-being, and the standard answer “I’m good” or “I’m fine” may be perceived as rude. Whereas in the United States for instance, the question, when asked, is simply a quick “Hi,” and let’s get on with it. This, however, does not take away from the primary focus of pure humanity and civility when enquiring of a person’s well-being, which essentially is what we do when we ask, “how are you?”