Celebrity lessons

The Trinidad Guardian and the Education Ministry recently launched a project, titled “Making a Difference”, which is supposed to “inspire young people to overcome obstacles, set goals, achieve and excel”. This being an education initiative, the Ministry and the Guardian naturally decided that the best persons to represent academic excellence were a beauty queen, a cyclist, and a runner. This is not surprising. After all, the Ministry is also promoting an abstinence-only policy in schools, so their technocrats clearly have scant respect for intellectual thought. And the Ansa McAl-owned Guardian, inevitably adheres to a fundamental principle of Trinidadian society: which is that, if you have money, you must be an expert in everything. This is why the appointed spokespersons have been visiting the schools in Jaguar motor-cars. Only individuals who know what it takes to overcome obstacles, set goals, achieve and excel get to ride in Jaguars.

After being addressed by the beauty queen, the cyclist, and the runner, the students have now been asked to write an essay explaining how these persons’ life stories have “caused you to reflect on your own life situation, as it relates to your career goals and what changes do you propose to realise your own goals?” (This copy, obviously, was also written by an athlete or beauty queen.) Since I have a particular interest in education, I have decided to assist the nation’s students by writing some sample essays for them. And, while I do not normally approve of plagiarism, they have my permission to use any part of this article as they see fit. That, at least, will show that they have been exposed to one educated person.

Essay #1: I am a young woman who aspires to the highest that life has to offer. I plan to study hard, go to university, and get a good job based on my qualifications. Once I am financially stable, I also hope to get married and have children. However, the inspiring speech given at my school by this country’s most famous, respected and admired woman has made me reflect on my life situation. From her speech, I have come to realise that hard work does indeed bring rewards. But you have to apply your efforts to the right endeavour. I can spend long hours studying my schoolwork, and this will pay off in the long run. I can also spend long hours being pretty and this will pay off too, but much more profitably. As she said, being a beauty queen is hard work. I agree with her totally. After listening to her, I tried to put on my make-up as perfectly as hers. It took me nine tries before I got it right, and by then I was totally exhausted. Some people think that you can be beautiful and bright as well. But I now see that this is not true. If I stay up late studying, I will get bags under my eyes. But if I get my beauty sleep, eat right, and exercise, job offers will naturally follow. In Economics, I learned that “profit is a firm’s total revenue minus total cost”. But I know now that I won’t need to memorise such boring stuff, since firm breasts can generate revenue for just the cost of a low-cut blouse.

Essay#2: When I was a small child, I loved cycling. I removed my training wheels by the time I was five, whereas most children keep them on until six. This showed I had a definite talent for the sport. I rode my bicycle all over the place. My mother was very proud of me, until I rode into a side table and broke two porcelain shepherdesses, one jolly farmer, two pretty milkmaids, and four cavorting elves. I cut myself rather badly on the shards and, after giving me some good licks, my mother carried me to the hospital. The lesson learned: Don’t collide with porcelain figurines!

After this, I decided to quit riding bike and play with educational games instead. I wanted to become a doctor, in case my Chemistry set exploded. However, it was not until I heard our world-renowned bicycle rider speak last week did I realise that, if you were a champion bicycle rider, you could get paid to wear a jersey for an insurance company. As a result of hearing his life story, my goal in life now is to be a brand-name. Unfortunately, my name is Ogunajamawale Stradivarius Booproopsingh. But this champion cyclist has taught me that, with dedication and Bengueze, I can overcome all obstacles.

Essay#3: I have always aspired to be the best that I can be. For me, nothing less than being Numero Uno will do. However, since TT’s most famous athlete spoke at my school last week, I now know that it’s okay to be Numero Tr?s or Numero Cuatro, unless you take drugs. In fact, he’s actually TT’s third most famous athlete, after Brian Lara and Dwight Yorke. But he’s still neighbours with Toni Braxton, so it is obviously better to be a runner than a cricketer or footballer, once you have a good pair of binoculars. This has caused me to change my goals. I once wanted to be a chartered accountant, but now my aim in life is to run very fast. I also want to talk very fast. If I can run very fast, I will be paid millions of dollars instead of counting millions of dollars. If I can talk very fast, I can make a three sound like a one. An accountant can do none of those things, unless he cooks his books.  I realise that I have not chosen an easy road, but it is still easier to beat runners than to beat book. I am not fooling myself about the challenges that lie ahead. Running very fast requires much dedication, hard work, and deodorant. But, if I really apply myself, I am sure I can drive a Jaguar, a Mercedes and an SUV and crash all before I’ m 30.
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