True confessions

Now stress contributes to heart disease, high blood pressure, and an inability to say "defenestrate" without giggling. And, given that so many of our prominent citizens so often tell untruths, it’s no wonder they’re always flying off to Cuba, London, and the Cayman islands. Writers don't have this problem.

Not only is writing a peewat profession, but it is one that demands truth-telling (except when speaking to shapely women in low-rider jeans). This might seem paradoxical, since the best writers write fiction: but is impossible to create good fiction unless you have a firm grasp of truth.

As a concerned citizen, however, I started wondering how our leading citizens could lead properly if they are always stressed. And I also started wondering what I could do to help. And I thought, as a writer, I could ease the strain of lying by telling the truth for them. And so, as a public service, I offer the following true confessions which I have made up. I hope it helps all those persons who need it.

Smiling confession: I didn't really want to resign. I wanted to stick with the best traditions of my party and brazen it out. I don’t know why people asking me where the loan agreement is. I seal deals with a smile and a handshake and more smiles. Now I have to look serious, which makes my face ache.

Vexation confession: I not really vex about the crime situation. I don’t really care about Constitutional reform. I not even vex if anybody in the Government corrupt or not. What I really vex about is that I challenge the PM to make his ministers step down while they being investigated — and one of them step! I can't believe that that twerp outfox me politically. Now he looking like he at least trying to deal with political corruption, while I looking like I sleep with the Devil and the Devil didn't sleep at all. I just hope he don’t make the other two step down, too. Then he go really stay in power till I go to Hell.

Namesake confession: I was named after the nation’s father, and if I resigned while being investigated that would be an insult to my name sake’s custom of not seeing or hearing any jackasses bray. He is my hero, and I hope one day that I too will be short and fat and speak in a monotone.

Fair confession: I am very proud that I have gotten nearly 200 signatures on my principles petition. This proves that the document is a masterpiece of triteness. But I can stop people realising this by saying that there were more unity calypsos this year, and that was because of my campaign. I didn’t bother to check the number of similar calypsos in past years, and I certainly didn’t take into account the fact that the PNM is in power and nearly every calypsonian is a PNM-till-they-get-murder. I am interested in propaganda, not truth. Before I am dead, I will prove to people that I am the fairest person in the whole country. In fact, one day, people might even start to believe that I was white.

Deathbed confession: I don’t know why the public should know if I am ill or not. I don’t ask them theirbusiness, unless it is UNC people I am investigating using the squad that I unconstitutionally have undermy department.

If I have health problems that is my business. I will not tell the public if I suffer from heart or prostate or stuffed frogitis.

Confession confession: If Jesus had a lawyer like me, he would never have been crucified. Look how I come out to mislead people about the Draft Gender Policy. I know it doesn’t have anything about same-sex marriage, or legalising abortion, or transsexuals. But it is my Christian duty to lie in defence of God’s truth and to roll over when my pastor snaps his fingers. If we start talking about gender, next thing women will want multiple orgasms, and then where will society be?

Corporal confession: The Hindu scriptures say to beat children and criminals. So we must beat children if we want everyone to have jowls like mine, because Bhagavan is never wrong. The same scriptures also say to burn widows, but we don’t do that anymore because Bhagavan changes his mind, especially when the British passes laws against his. If I didn’t get licks when I was small, I might have been able to reason better than that, but if I was able to reason well I would not be a prominent Hindu leader.

Communications confession: I am not really interested in free expression. I just having all these consultations so I can spend the budget on hors d’oeuvres, especially tuna puffs. I have a PhD and many shirtjacs, so I know what the public should be hearing or seeing and reading. I don’t want us to become like Burundi, I want us to become like Cuba but without the cigars and bad food.

Feminist confession: When I write my newspaper columns about myself, I portray myself as confident, spiritual, intelligent, truthful, open-minded, and having a preference for educated men with a job. That is because I am actually the opposite of all these things. But I, myself and me can always fool some people all the time, unless Kevin Baldeosingh keeps pointing out what a bad writer I am. I will just have to follow Goebbels’ advice and call him racist and sexist and say I am waiting on a book deal, so the few fools who believe what I write about myself will continue being fooled.

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com <mailto:kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com

Website: www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh <http://www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh