The great Balisier plot

However, the contents of the tape point to high-level sabotage and other shocking issues which, keen journalist that I am, I am duty bound to share with the public. Now the cassette was a telephone conversation that originated from deep within the bowels of Balisier House, involving a man called Plenty Potential and a certain security man named Joecliff.

Naturally at the end of this column, I am going to need police protection and who knows, maybe in next week’s column I might even state that the whole thing was a lie and I had made it up. Heck I might even call press conferences at the Trinidad Hilton and then not show up.

And you know, I might even express my story to a newspaper which I am sure is willing to pay me top bucks for the exclusive expose. We shall see.

Here now is the taped conversation between Mr Potential and Joecliff.

Plenty P: (Answers ringing TSTT phone) Hello? Aye wha’pnin Joecliff. Long time no see.

JOE: Yeah boy Plenty, how de madam?

Plenty P: She going good yes...ah know she had no complaints last night (snickers suggestively).

JOE: That nice man Plenty. Aye, hear nah, ah know you is a man close to the borse. Yuh hear anything about the Cabinet reshuffle? Because I real fed-up of all the negative things people saying about me and my performance as the security man. When the borse go move meh and gimme a cushy Ministry?

Plenty P: Doh worry Joecliff. You is the right man for the security wuk and besides no matter what dem damn newspapers write about you and what everyone in the country say, we in the Pretty Nice Party have full faith in you.

JOE: All ah dat nice to hear Plenty, but I really getting nervous. Last week when I went Couva to buy a doubles from Bas the aloo-pie and doubles vendor, people cuss me and meh mother, saying I was to blame for the killing and kidnappings.

Plenty P: Ah yes Bas, his doubles does taste real nice too bad yes. Ah hear he does make a wicked aloo pie too. Ah wonder if he know how to make potato pie boy...I real like potato pie yes.

JOE: Yeah, yeah Plenty, buh what de borse say about the shuffle?

Plenty P: Listen Joecliff. You should know as well as I do, that this party does take care of its own. Wedder hook or crook, we take care of we own. Everything go be alright. Doh worry we go take care of you.

JOE: (Whining like a hungry puppy) Oh gorm Plenty ah doh tink ah could take dis no more...ah eh want de security wuk again. Lemme get the Ecclesiastical Affairs wuk. Why de borse ent ease me up like he did Ching? Why he cyah help me out?

Plenty P: (Thinks for a while) Ok Joecliff hear what we go do. We go create a diversion for a while, until the crime ting cool down. Yuh know Trinis like bacchanal and fresh bacchanal go take away their attention from the crime, which come now like old, stale bacchanal.

JOE: Yeah that songing real good. Buh help meh out nah...ah wasn’t too bright in school and ah eh know how to plot like dat.

Plenty P: Doh worry boy. I plotting long time. Hear what we go do. You and Willie, all yuh close? All yuh is pardners?

JOE: Not really, I always tort he was only full of gas. Ah never hear a man boast so much about it. Someone with so much gas should keep that quiet.

Plenty P: Good to hear that. And what about Smiley? Allyuh tight?

JOE: Nah he is a show off. And besides anyone who does smile even in he sleep is a tess to watch.

Plenty P: Nice, nice. Well hear what we go do. It have a chupidee fella from San Juan who people does call Hansome, why I ent know cause de man plain ugly. We go organise a letter and make it look like he pay bribes to dem fellas...you know Willie and Smiley. Ah have Hansome signature from when he was a labourer in the URP. We go make a copy of the signature in the letter which ah go send to the borse.

JOE: (So dotish he still not catching on) Eh heh and then what?

Plenty P: Well we go also send a letter to de Opposition. Dey so eager to mek we look bad ah sure dey go expose the contents of de letter in Parliament and them reporters go get a juicy bacchanal story to write. De Opposition so choopid dey ent go check the letter to see if it pan out, before dey buss de mark.

JOE: Ah...I see yuh point.

Plenty P: Yeah, the borse go order a probe by the Integrity people which go take a while and that with the bacchanal go draw public attention from you and onto dem boys. Wha yuh say?

JOE: Song like a plan. Leh we do it.

Plenty P: Of course you know I go always say I never was involved in any of this. So if I was you, my advice is to go by a lawyer get an affidavit stating you swear on oath that yuh too dotish to plan a scheme like this.

JOE: Good idea boy ah go do that. Well anyway, ah going and check the toolum vendor in the back of meh office, he is meh advisor on crime. We go pick up later Plenty P and tanks again eh.

Plenty P: No problem Joecliff, handle yuh stories, dread. (Tape ends)

Naturally all of this sounds like a conspiracy within Government, hence the reason I felt compelled to send a copy of the tape to Patrick. He should know what is going on since this is a matter of urgent public importance.

If I was Patrick, I would really keep a close eye out on them. You never know when a simple telephone call could done yuh lights.