The Fake News

Fake News Item #1.

Man arrested for PoS explosion

Fifty-four-year-old salted butter salesman Roderick Gayadeen was yesterday arrested after he passed wind loudly on Henry Street, sending shoppers scampering for cover.

"I thought was a next dustbin bomb," said Myra Thomas, a pavement vendor who has been selling on the pavement for ten years, "but when the breeze shift, I thought was a stink bomb."

Police officers responded promptly, surrounding Mr Gayadeen in less than three hours. When asked if he was a young, black man, Mr Gayadeen said, "No." He was ordered to lie on the ground and sing Beautiful Noise.

Officers then placed him in handcuffs, with a matching busshead. Questioned at police headquarters later that day, Mr Gayadeen explained that he hadn’t meant to cause a panic, but had had 17 doubles with everything for lunch. He was given a warning and released. Speaking to reporters afterwards, Mr Gayadeen said, "I learn my lesson. Less tambran sauce from now on."

Fake News Item #2.

Trinidad suffering blood loss

It was recently reported that Trinidad is bleeding.

The news came from Christian leaders, who held a rally on May 15 to raise money for plasma, bandages, and silly putty. "We aren’t sure what’s causing the bleeding," said rally organiser Pastor Jive Dotty, "But we’re petty sure it’s B-negative."

Asked by reporters if he was surprised at this, Pastor Dotty said No. "We have always said that Trinidad is a negative place. But we are sure that after we pray and put some plaster, everything will be positive. Get it? B-positive?" He then cackled like a hen on steroids.

Participants in the rally included representatives of the Roman Catholic Church, the Anglican Church, the Seventh-Day Adventists, Presbyterians, Baptists, and other Christian denominations. There were also three pavement preachers, who hadn’t been invited but who had come for the free Kool-Aid.

RC leader Gilbert and Sullivan explained why there were no Hindus or Muslims there. "They don’t really have any skill in bandaging," he said, "and there is only one true church." Asked if his beliefs didn’t also demonstrate contempt for other Christian denominations, Sullivan said, "Yes, but unfortunately I can’t burn them at the stake any more."

Anglican leader Calvin Wuss delivered a ringing sermon, in which he warned the audience about HIV-Aids. "When a country bleeds, it heightens the risk of contracting that homosexual disease. We are praying to God to stop the homosexual abomination, hopefully by killing out all faggots very quickly as Leviticus commands."

Fake News Item #3.

Black Widow spiders exonerated

After several weeks of intensive research, literature professor Seldom Comejoe, recently appointed Head of Ecological Research and Race Relations, has discovered that black widow spiders do not, as popularly believed, kill their mates after intercourse. "This was just a racist plot spread by malicious biologists in order to denigrate the black family structure," said Professor Comejoe, displaying his pet spider Myrtle.

Professor Comejoe also plans to present his findings to a talk radio station, where he will argue that the Principles of Fairness is really a racist plot to promote light-skinned people.

Fake News Item #4.

Trinidad hit by tidal wave

The island of Trinidad was hit yesterday by a tsunami. The Prime Minister, who was watching TV at the time, escaped by boarding a blimp, although his wife was forced to leave behind her collection of Ministry advertisements so the airship could gain enough height. When asked why he didn’t warn the rest of the country, the Prime Minister explained that he didn’t want to cause a panic. "This prime minister has a very keen sense of his responsibilities, ladies and gentlemen," he explained. "That is why I only had two sons, and sent both of them to live in developed countries."

As the waves crashed round the hills of Laventille, people could be seen streaming out of their homes, though those with good drainage merely trickled. The country’s murder rate immediately dropped, but traffic offences rose. The Beetham dump was inundated, or would have been if the young men who scavenged there knew what the word meant. The Prime Minister issued an address to the nation using a cell-phone and tom toms, and instructed all black people to make their way to Tarouba. "Indians accustomed to floods," he told the BBC.

With the tsunami bearing down on them, the PNM-till-ah-dead ran down to the $3 billion sporting complex, where they did in fact die when the waves drowned everyone. The only survivors were the champion swimmers, who rode out the waves; the champion runners, who outran the waves; and the first-class cricketers, whose Digicel contracts forbade them to die before a Test match. The Prime Minister later announced that he planned to sue the contractors who had built the sub-standard stadium, noting that he had specifically requested automatic toilets which could have flushed away the excess waters.

Fake News Item #5.

PoS meat shop robbed

The Aboud-Laquis Meat Shop on Wrong Way Street in Port-of-Spain was broken into early Monday morning. While most of the choice cuts of beef, lamb, and belly-dancer were left untouched, the backs and tongues were all stolen. Police later held two men in connection with the robbery. When brought before a magistrate, the men pleaded Not Guilty, saying they were PSA employees and were only following the orders of their president. "She say to take back and tongue from dem Syrian," the accused explained. The magistrate fined them $1 for blind obedience, and issued a summons for the PSA president on a charge of wearing absurdly large wooden jewellery.

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