Free job applications

Now that students have received their examination results, they will no doubt be sending out job applications in between liming at clubs, pubs, and pavements. Being very concerned about young persons, I have decided to write some application letters which they can use as models when applying for jobs. Since employers get hundreds of applications, I have written these in a way which will stand out by showing that the applicant has a true grasp of the job requirements and is very honest about his or her suitability for the post.

Dear Sir/Madam:
I would like to be a talkshow host on your radio station. I like to talk, in fact I does never shut up. I could talk plenty plenty, and I don’t even know what I talking about. Everything I learn I get from pamphlets. I believe in God and obeah and spirit lash. I also doh too like “dem people.” So I sure to have a wide audience, and plenty fat ones too. I look forward to being interviewed at your earliest convenience, once is not before 11 am.
Yours truly,
R Welsh

Dear Sir/Madam:
I would like to apply for the post of kidnapper in your well-organised organisation. I am extremely qualified for this job, since my uncle is a policeman, my brother is a bank teller, and my second cousin once-removed is a Muslimeen. If we cannot find any victims to kidnap, I can also kidnap myself, since my father is a businessman who wants me to work for a living.
Sincerely yours,
A Ransom

Dear Sir:
I would like to be a youthful killer. I am black, male, and poor. I have two gold teeth and no prospects. In school, I could not hear properly so the teacher put me in the back of the class. I have held up a rich Indian’s secretary to get this letter written. If she does not spell every word right, I will put a bullet through her skull. I like to put bullets through skulls, and if you hire me I can assure you that I will do my best to put many bullets through many skulls during working hours.
Haile Selassie in Allah’s name,
Kwambande Joseph

Dear Sir/Madam:
I wish to work as a pharmacist at a public hospital. I am very slow at dispensing drugs, so I can assure you there will always be long lines when I work. I move even more slowly when dealing with old people. I don’t care about young people either, and am quite willing to take action which may result in the retardation or death of premature babies. However, you may rest assured that I will only do so in order to get money owed to me or when I have to spend the day combing my chest hair.
Sincerely yours,
Nott Mixsingh

Dear Madam/Sir:
I would like to apply for the position of trade union leader. I am very qualified for this job since I have never run a business at any time in my life. I never even sell mango chow on the side of the road. I think that people should come before profits. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I can assure you that I say it very passionately. Most importantly, I doh like none ah dem Syrian.
Yours sincerely,
J Prime Baptist

Dear Sir:
I am interested in becoming a representative for Laventille. I am a Black Muslim who believes that white milk only comes from racist cows. I think the CIA killed Malcolm X by planting a suicidal Nation of Islam member and promising him 27 American virgins. That just shows how far the CIA will go to discredit Black Muslims, since it would be very difficult to find 27 American virgins, and quite impossible if the Honourable Elijah Mohammed had anything to say about it. I know that the Qu’ran is the only book anybody needs to read in order to solve all the country’s problems. I therefore think I am a very appropriate person to lead Laventillians out of ignorance. However, if the PNM is willing to bribe me not to run for the seat, I am also willing to take that job.
Sincerely,
D “Shazam!” Mohammed (upbh)

Dear Sir/Madam:
I want to be an alternative healer. I am very qualified for this post, since I have had no medical training at all. I will willingly tell people that all diseases can be cured, not because I actually believe this but because this country has no law against false advertising. I will use magnets, herbs, reflexology, homeopathy, aromatherapy, and ant’s toenails if people will give me their money in hope of getting cured.
Yours very, very sincerely
Trevor Sayanything

Dear Sir/Madam:
I wish to be a political analyst, with an option to be promoted to politician. I know what’s really important, so I can teach the ignorant masses to get their priorities straight. They must think about Gaza and CSME and how incredibly intelligent I am. I can read the Constitution in a single bound, quote Lloyd Best as though I understand him, and seduce women with a smarmy grin. Most importantly, I always speak the truth. I know that Patrick Manning and Basdeo Panday say they speak the truth too, but it is true when I say it.
Yours truly,
Dr Kirk Whodat

Dear Sir/Madam:
I wish to apply for the post of pseudo-intellectual at your university. To this end, I intend to get my PhD in engineering and a diploma in theatre. This will allow me to act like a scientist. Along with my reverence for God’s word, I will thus be eminently qualified to criticise Einstein and Darwin, proving I am brighter than both of them put together. This will confer great intellectual prestige to the university among important world leaders, like Pat Robertson.
Yours truly,
Stephan Giveaway

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
Website: www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh