Gifts for the prominent

I am not very good at giving gifts. I am, however, very good at choosing them. Good gift-giving, you see, requires the ability to wrap. You also have to present with a certain je ne sais quoi. People who get gifts from me, however, are lucky if they don’t get it in the store bag, and my usual method of giving is to thrust the item out and say “Here”. But I am, as I say, very good at gift-choosing. This is mostly because I buy gifts for very few persons, and I almost always know all of them well. I can therefore choose my gifts on the basis of what they will appreciate or find useful and, just as importantly, what they will not. However, this Christmas I have decided to extend my minor talent into the arena of persons who, because of my profession, I know well publicly (but am entirely ignorant about privately). My gifts are thus well-chosen for their public roles but, needless to say, I am not buying any of the items.

That is for their admirers to do and, in order to facilitate such well-wishers, I have supplied — that is, made up — stores and a price list. I have also made up a note on what gift NOT to buy for the particular individual, since they either have the item already or would find it useless. I have to emphasise this, since anyone who believes this list is factual clearly needs one gift above all others under their Xmas trees: a new brain. On the other hand, so does anyone who doesn’t think this list is true.

Franklin Khan — Price: $9.95. Available at Stationary Stationery Ltd.
Item:  A pre-written resignation letter, easily adapted for stepping down as a Minister, as a chairman, or as a host of the annual Short, Fat Men Are Sexy Too convention.
What not to buy: An Opposition MP who is a lawyer.

Gillian Lucky — Price: $49.95. Available at Microphones ‘r’ Us.
Item: A quietspeaker. This item functions just like a loudspeaker, but not. Designed for people who have leather lungs, the quietphone, instead of amplifying their voice, brings it down to a dulcet coo that they could never achieve unaided. Not suitable for men, real men.
What not to buy: The famous legal text “Law has a morality of its own”, by L.E. Gall.

Lawyers for Jesus — Price: 2 cents. Available at the Prime Minister’s residence.
Item: Patrick Manning’s other ear. Having already capitulated on this group’s demands on the Draft Gender Policy without actually reading said policy, the gift of Mr Manning’s other ear will also enable criminals who work on the Sabbath to be stoned to death; ensure that children in all schools, not just Pastor Cuffie’s, are taught that the Earth is 6,000 years old; and that babies can die if their parents think they know more about blood transfusions than doctors - all of which will ensure that the country’s gas never runs out.
What not to buy: A facade to hide ignorance.

Muslimeen spokespersons — Price: Ten magic beans. Available at The Fairy Kingdom.
Item:  A mirror, mirror on the wall. This magical gift always reflects the truth, unlike its namesake newspaper. So murderers, insurrectionists, kidnappers, drug dealers and thieves who pose as religious believers will be shown for what they really are. This item also gives accurate answers to questions, like, “Is it okay to bomb people who don’t believe in Allah?”
What not to buy: A URP job.

Soca Warriors — Price: $199.95. Available at Kevlar Shirts Inc.
Item: A penetration-proof T-shirt, comes in a wide choice of colours. Useful for shrugging off those who want to pin all their hopes on you. Helps keep off commentators who waste gallons of ink claiming that going to the World Cup will reduce the murder rate, racial prejudice, and the price of sorrel.
What not to buy: A senior FIFA official on your side.

TSTT — Price:  A few millions. Available at Monopoly Breakers Inc.
Item: A customer-service mentality. A facsimile of this has been erected since the spectre of competition appeared, but it is not really genuine as shown by their refusal to interconnect anybody who doesn’t carry a PNM party card.
What not to buy: A breakdown in the GSM system.

Winston Dookeran — Price: $150. Available at Maximum Hardware Ltd.
Item: A crowbar. This tool is useful for prying aging leaders out of their seats. It can also be used to reinforce the spine of an aspiring leader, so when he stands up he doesn’t look like a stand-in.
What not to buy: An owl with a vertigo problem.

Basdeo Panday — Price: $11.99. Available at Ho ho ho Hardware Ltd.
Item: A can of silly putty. This can be used to mending cracks in a political party. However, make sure you don’t buy sensible putty instead, since this will not be suitable for the UNC.
What not to buy: A London bank account.

Patrick Manning — Price: A blank cheque. Available at Spendthrift Unlimited.
Item: Tall buildings. While most persons who aren’t architects do not care to build tall buildings, there is a certain kind of individual who believes that erecting multi-storey buildings gives the impression that the boy working better than ever.
What not to buy: A front-row seat to the next Benny Hinn revival meeting.

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
Website: www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh